Hey there,
Sorry it has taken so long for an update.. Fl was well... alright, not going to put that all down here. The people who need to know what happened know about it.
Jax did spectacular flying! Definitly momma's boy in that aspect, I love to fly! So I am no longer fearful of taking him on a plane one bit. Hopefully the flight next year (or the year after) all the way to the UK will go just as well! :)
Since we got home we had Jaxsons birthday dinner (a week early) and that was nice, it was just my parents and us, everyone else couldnt make it but it turned out just fine. Jax and I made tie dye cupcakes and they were a total hit! YAY! :) My mom made meatballs which were delish to go with the spaghetti. Jaxson got new toy cars and a new special mickey cup and a tee shirt in fl so those were his gifts from us. Plus on his Birthday next weekend we are taking him to the zoo with friends and then the following week we are going to Rochester so that we can do the museum of play :) He is going to love it!!! I am so glad that we get to do all these things with him that my parents didn't ever get to do with us kids. I hope he realizes how much we care about him and how much we are trying to give him all that we possibly can.... I think my wish for him is to like to be with us and travel with us even into adulthood. I am just starting to get any kind of relationship with my parents and dont want him to have to fight for it once he is an adult and parent, i want it to always be there.
Then we got sick :( Tummy bug. Jaxson puked all over me and the couch yesterday!! EWWW!!! haha Then I got sick and we have both been puke bags.. haha he was better this morning but I am still sick... Hope tomorrow will be better.
Next thing on my mind is about the airport, they never checked for Jaxson's birth cert or Davids, how do they know who they are or that I am not trying to kidnap them?? It made me think hard that I need to do some more research and find out if there are people fighting for new laws about this. If so I am def getting involved. I dont want my child to ever be able to be taken out of state by flight or otherwise without me knowing. And when buying a ticket you can put any name you like down so there really isnt a lot of security about it one bit... If i can make a difference on this then I am going to do all I can...
My sister is on her way back to Fl now to get her car then will be back sometime in the week ahead.. I hope she drives safe, I cant imagine if something happened to her, even wih all the issues at hand between us lately. I love her and miss her more an more as the days go by that I dont get to see her smile. She always can brighten my day..
Hmmm.. Oh FINALLY got to meet my amazing beauty Jules (via webcam of course). She is just as I imagined her and i feel soo lucky to have her in my life, well not only mine but buggy's and Tim's as well. :) I suppose if we hadn't gone through the trageties that we did we might not be such amazing friends, well not just friends but best friends really (or at least on my end) I am lucky to have her and Layla in my life, helping me through and keeping me strong even on my weakest of days. Those two ladies probably haven't a clue just how important they are to me and my family. Thanks girlies!! xxx
Next.. TTC.. oh TTC... I am officially 10DPO and got a negative test yesterday... oyyy.... Thats all for that for the moment!
Headed to put my lil man to bed and take my homemade turn overs with strawberries and blackberries out of the oven.. yuummmyyy!! Now lets hope that we can eat them :) haha
Lilypie Maternity tickers
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Getting ready for our trip!
Sorry for the delay in posts, I promise after Fl things will be more regular :)
Anyways, that is all that has been going on, Jax and I's trip! I am getting more excited by the minute that passes. And excessively checking over our bags, I feel like I might forget something but don't know what bc I really have made 100 lists to be sure and everytime everything gets marked off.. I think that it will be something on the list for Tuesday morning. Please God don't let it be something like a beary or blankie!!! haha Jax won't sleep without them! It has been planned for so long but I just thought something would go wrong and stop us from going, I dont know why bc everything is great but I did. Anyways, I have this irrational fear all of a sudden of flying, I love flying! I would rather fly than take a train, bus, or even be in a car! so I have no idea what the heck is going on but my anxiety is threw the roof! I think maybe bc I am flying with bug and bubsy, both of which haven't flown before... hmm Hopefully it all goes smooth. I dont think I will update again til Next Sunday bc we get back Friday and are spending the day with my momma bc it will be the first time she has seen Mandee in 3 months then Saturday we are having a Birthday dinner for buggy :)
Alright, TTC update: We dtd on O day which was on Friday. I had sooo much O pains this time and my cervix was super sensitive, hmm weird! So hoping a big healthy egg was released and hubs swimmers made it up there to make us a little Rainbow! Not testing til after Jaxson's birthday the 6th (or so I say) Might test the 4th if I am feeling impatient (the day AF is due) Heres to hoping!!!!!! <3
Much love
Heather
Anyways, that is all that has been going on, Jax and I's trip! I am getting more excited by the minute that passes. And excessively checking over our bags, I feel like I might forget something but don't know what bc I really have made 100 lists to be sure and everytime everything gets marked off.. I think that it will be something on the list for Tuesday morning. Please God don't let it be something like a beary or blankie!!! haha Jax won't sleep without them! It has been planned for so long but I just thought something would go wrong and stop us from going, I dont know why bc everything is great but I did. Anyways, I have this irrational fear all of a sudden of flying, I love flying! I would rather fly than take a train, bus, or even be in a car! so I have no idea what the heck is going on but my anxiety is threw the roof! I think maybe bc I am flying with bug and bubsy, both of which haven't flown before... hmm Hopefully it all goes smooth. I dont think I will update again til Next Sunday bc we get back Friday and are spending the day with my momma bc it will be the first time she has seen Mandee in 3 months then Saturday we are having a Birthday dinner for buggy :)
Alright, TTC update: We dtd on O day which was on Friday. I had sooo much O pains this time and my cervix was super sensitive, hmm weird! So hoping a big healthy egg was released and hubs swimmers made it up there to make us a little Rainbow! Not testing til after Jaxson's birthday the 6th (or so I say) Might test the 4th if I am feeling impatient (the day AF is due) Heres to hoping!!!!!! <3
Much love
Heather
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
little update.
The last few days have been boring... Just getting things done to go to FL. My sissa is much better now (she had a little issue with a kidney stone.) Thank goodness... Oh and we are staying at a beach condo while we are in FL instead of a hotel! Wahhhooooo!!!! :) Right near the ocean, how much more relaxing could that be? Now lets pray for no rain!
As for me, still trying to get a positive OPK... Nothing yet, but on my reg cycle calender I shouldnt have it til Friday, lets hope that is how it happens bc I dont want to miss it. This is my last month with OPK's so we shall see. I figured out today that all of the dates that are significant in pregnancy will be big dates in our lives so heres to hoping.I am ready for this. Ready to be pregnant and have another healthy little baby!
Tim and I had a nice talk about how much it means to each of us bc i was feeling like it was more important to me than it was to him lately, but that isnt the case at all (thank goodness) He is just nervous bc of what we have been through, not just with losing bean but losing all the others too.. i can see his fear when we talk about it but he is ready to have another little person running around, actually he says he cant wait to have a friend for jaxson :)
Hmmm.. Thats about it for now..
As for me, still trying to get a positive OPK... Nothing yet, but on my reg cycle calender I shouldnt have it til Friday, lets hope that is how it happens bc I dont want to miss it. This is my last month with OPK's so we shall see. I figured out today that all of the dates that are significant in pregnancy will be big dates in our lives so heres to hoping.I am ready for this. Ready to be pregnant and have another healthy little baby!
Tim and I had a nice talk about how much it means to each of us bc i was feeling like it was more important to me than it was to him lately, but that isnt the case at all (thank goodness) He is just nervous bc of what we have been through, not just with losing bean but losing all the others too.. i can see his fear when we talk about it but he is ready to have another little person running around, actually he says he cant wait to have a friend for jaxson :)
Hmmm.. Thats about it for now..
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Happy Saturday...
Hmmm... Yesterday wasnt too exciting for the most part, got my nails filled and picked up a few more things we needed for FL. Trying to figure out if we have everything packed. I know its crazy to pack a week and a half in advance but if I dont I always forget something. This way I can go through it and my list half a dozen times before we leave. :)
Got a call from my sissa *here comes the only exciting thing of my day* She is coming home!!!! She opted out of program early so that she could come home and honestly I could not have been happier when she said that! I was sad for her, I knew how much she liked her roommates and friends but she sounded sad and tired everytime I talked to her. At least at home she wont be so stressed.
We are still all going to FL, her, bubsy, bug, and myself will fly down for the 4 days just as planned :) Only difference is that we wont be surprising mom with Mandee coming home. Oh well, it is worth it for her to move home even for a bit. I am hoping this will be our month so that she will stay a bit long as I would be due just around the time she wants to head back south ;) Wishful thinking I guess. I just hate being away from her.
Today's agenda, not really anything in particular.. Just playing with Jaxson.. Maybe the park this afternoon, we will have to see :)
Got a call from my sissa *here comes the only exciting thing of my day* She is coming home!!!! She opted out of program early so that she could come home and honestly I could not have been happier when she said that! I was sad for her, I knew how much she liked her roommates and friends but she sounded sad and tired everytime I talked to her. At least at home she wont be so stressed.
We are still all going to FL, her, bubsy, bug, and myself will fly down for the 4 days just as planned :) Only difference is that we wont be surprising mom with Mandee coming home. Oh well, it is worth it for her to move home even for a bit. I am hoping this will be our month so that she will stay a bit long as I would be due just around the time she wants to head back south ;) Wishful thinking I guess. I just hate being away from her.
Today's agenda, not really anything in particular.. Just playing with Jaxson.. Maybe the park this afternoon, we will have to see :)
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Mixed emotions....
Today is my dad's birthday but it is also a day that this world lost an amazing young lady 4yrs ago to a drunk driver who wasnt even a citizen of the US. It was so unfair and such a tragic event in my family's life. My sister, Sam, Renee, and myself were like sisters. I never thought that she would be taken away so young. I know she is looking down on us and with us all the time but sometimes that doesnt seem as though it is enough.
Today was a decent day overall, spent it with my boys :) I can't imagine a day without either of them. They mean everything to me. I cannot imagine the pain and suffering that Tracy, oompa, and Bill must be going through..I know from a daughter's point of view it is the absolute hardest thing to go through, losing your mother but losing your daughter must be that much harder, you arent supposed to lose your child before you go. I feel awful that anyone would have to go through that. I know having my mmc has been a rough journey but i cant imagine having my baby for 14yrs and then just like that they are gone.
I have been prepping for my trip to FL and am getting so so excited that it is so close. I can almost feel the sand between my toes and the wind through my hair as we ride the rides :) Jax is going to have soo soo much fun.
Anyway I am making some cinnybuns for hubby and I then watching a little tv together (hoping to dtd. :D) We shall see.. I know I am already getting light lines on OPK's so should get darker and darker, got mixed answers on when i should be Oing from my apps.. so a little unsure, I started my AF early so I think that is why they are all messed up but the OPKs should let me know. Probably will happen somewhere around Wednesday next week I think.. maybe.. hahah
Today was a decent day overall, spent it with my boys :) I can't imagine a day without either of them. They mean everything to me. I cannot imagine the pain and suffering that Tracy, oompa, and Bill must be going through..I know from a daughter's point of view it is the absolute hardest thing to go through, losing your mother but losing your daughter must be that much harder, you arent supposed to lose your child before you go. I feel awful that anyone would have to go through that. I know having my mmc has been a rough journey but i cant imagine having my baby for 14yrs and then just like that they are gone.
I have been prepping for my trip to FL and am getting so so excited that it is so close. I can almost feel the sand between my toes and the wind through my hair as we ride the rides :) Jax is going to have soo soo much fun.
Anyway I am making some cinnybuns for hubby and I then watching a little tv together (hoping to dtd. :D) We shall see.. I know I am already getting light lines on OPK's so should get darker and darker, got mixed answers on when i should be Oing from my apps.. so a little unsure, I started my AF early so I think that is why they are all messed up but the OPKs should let me know. Probably will happen somewhere around Wednesday next week I think.. maybe.. hahah
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Every day is a new day!
So woke up feeling alright this morning. I am not going to say great or new or anything of the sorts but alright. Better than yesterday but still not my best.
Had a long talk with my hubby yesterday and we both really are feeling like this isnt the end for us. We are meant to complete our family with another little one and whenever that little one decides they are ready to be part of our family then they are and we will be exstatic. This is indeed our last month of OPKs and planning when to dtd and all of that.
On another note, I got to talk to my bestie a lot yesterday, he always has the right words and I really couldnt get through without him being part of my life. Him and Tim don't really see eye to eye bc of past things but they both see that eachother have the best interest at heart and that is me and Jaxson always. I also have my two amazing ladies, Jules and Layla, that have assured me that my depression is okay and that they wont be walking out bc I am crazy any time in the near future, phew! They have become like sister's to me and I know that I never would have made it through losing bean without them there. Not that I am happy they have lost thier precious little ones either, but I do believe that our Angels have pushed us together for reasons that we might not even know yet. :) They are some of the most amazing women I know and they live thousands of miles away.
Of course I cannot leave out my sissa. I honestly dont know what to say about her, she is my best friend in the entire world and the reason I am so passionate about Jax Ryan having a sibling. I want him to have what we do with someone. Someone who is always on your side and having your back even when the rest of the world doesnt understand. I am so fortunate to have her and bubsy. When we were younger we didnt get along at all, we honestly couldnt stand one another but now that we are older we see how important and special our bond is. Also how much we have been through that we probably wouldnt have gotten through without one another there to root us on. She is in FL doing amazing things at Walt Disney World and I cannot wait for the next 13 days to fly by to get to see her!
Anyways. Off to play cars with bug. Hoping to keep a good day going and talk to you soon.
Had a long talk with my hubby yesterday and we both really are feeling like this isnt the end for us. We are meant to complete our family with another little one and whenever that little one decides they are ready to be part of our family then they are and we will be exstatic. This is indeed our last month of OPKs and planning when to dtd and all of that.
On another note, I got to talk to my bestie a lot yesterday, he always has the right words and I really couldnt get through without him being part of my life. Him and Tim don't really see eye to eye bc of past things but they both see that eachother have the best interest at heart and that is me and Jaxson always. I also have my two amazing ladies, Jules and Layla, that have assured me that my depression is okay and that they wont be walking out bc I am crazy any time in the near future, phew! They have become like sister's to me and I know that I never would have made it through losing bean without them there. Not that I am happy they have lost thier precious little ones either, but I do believe that our Angels have pushed us together for reasons that we might not even know yet. :) They are some of the most amazing women I know and they live thousands of miles away.
Of course I cannot leave out my sissa. I honestly dont know what to say about her, she is my best friend in the entire world and the reason I am so passionate about Jax Ryan having a sibling. I want him to have what we do with someone. Someone who is always on your side and having your back even when the rest of the world doesnt understand. I am so fortunate to have her and bubsy. When we were younger we didnt get along at all, we honestly couldnt stand one another but now that we are older we see how important and special our bond is. Also how much we have been through that we probably wouldnt have gotten through without one another there to root us on. She is in FL doing amazing things at Walt Disney World and I cannot wait for the next 13 days to fly by to get to see her!
Anyways. Off to play cars with bug. Hoping to keep a good day going and talk to you soon.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Trying alone...
Woke up today and came to the realization that I feel like I am going through all of this completely alone...
I know my husband isnt an "emotional being" but I feel like none of this has hit him like it has me. Like he feels like it happened so move on :( I know it bothers him in some fashion but when I talk about ttc or anything he just says ok or if that is what you want... well i want you to want it too!! Why can't you want it as bad as I do or at least pretend you do. I know you want it but to what extent? Ugghhh...
I just want Jaxson to be a sibling..I want him to have that sense of security in someone who will be there with him all his life. I couldnt have gotten through without mine and I want that for him. I am not asking to have 20 babies or be one of those women who get pregnant once a year..I just want 1 more and I will be done. I wont try for more or ask for more.. I will be happy and watch them grow and learn. I will teach them and learn with them.I will keep them safe and happy. I promise... Just who ever is in control of this please please let me just be a mommy to a sibling for my little bug, he deserves nothing more.
I pray every night to a God I dont know is there, to someone who seems to have never heard my prayers or at least never tried to make good on them. I ask for health and happiness for the ones I love. I ask for him to help the people that are feeling so low that they don't know they can handle being alive anymore, bc i have been that person. I have stooped so low that I didnt think I could get up again ever. But I did and not because someone helped me or stood by me, but because I found some strength in myself that I didnt know I had. I did it all my myself. I held on because I figured things couldnt get any worse right? Things have to look up from here.. I pray that one day I can be happy, the real kind of happy not the kind where you put a smile on and laugh so that no one knows the unbearable pain that is inside of you. I pray that my little man will find an inner peace at a young age so that he never ever has to feel how I do and that this horrible depression that I have been gifted my my mom and her mom and her dad and probably his dad will not find Jax Ryan. That he will live in a state of happiness that his momma couldn't ever seem to find. And finally I pray that my parents will see what they have, it might not be much but they have 3 amazing children and 1 brilliant grandchild that are worth living for, that my dad will one day put the bottle down and stop smoking so that he can live for the things that are here and not the things of the past....
I know my husband isnt an "emotional being" but I feel like none of this has hit him like it has me. Like he feels like it happened so move on :( I know it bothers him in some fashion but when I talk about ttc or anything he just says ok or if that is what you want... well i want you to want it too!! Why can't you want it as bad as I do or at least pretend you do. I know you want it but to what extent? Ugghhh...
I just want Jaxson to be a sibling..I want him to have that sense of security in someone who will be there with him all his life. I couldnt have gotten through without mine and I want that for him. I am not asking to have 20 babies or be one of those women who get pregnant once a year..I just want 1 more and I will be done. I wont try for more or ask for more.. I will be happy and watch them grow and learn. I will teach them and learn with them.I will keep them safe and happy. I promise... Just who ever is in control of this please please let me just be a mommy to a sibling for my little bug, he deserves nothing more.
I pray every night to a God I dont know is there, to someone who seems to have never heard my prayers or at least never tried to make good on them. I ask for health and happiness for the ones I love. I ask for him to help the people that are feeling so low that they don't know they can handle being alive anymore, bc i have been that person. I have stooped so low that I didnt think I could get up again ever. But I did and not because someone helped me or stood by me, but because I found some strength in myself that I didnt know I had. I did it all my myself. I held on because I figured things couldnt get any worse right? Things have to look up from here.. I pray that one day I can be happy, the real kind of happy not the kind where you put a smile on and laugh so that no one knows the unbearable pain that is inside of you. I pray that my little man will find an inner peace at a young age so that he never ever has to feel how I do and that this horrible depression that I have been gifted my my mom and her mom and her dad and probably his dad will not find Jax Ryan. That he will live in a state of happiness that his momma couldn't ever seem to find. And finally I pray that my parents will see what they have, it might not be much but they have 3 amazing children and 1 brilliant grandchild that are worth living for, that my dad will one day put the bottle down and stop smoking so that he can live for the things that are here and not the things of the past....
Sunday, April 8, 2012
My big decision....
Has come to a very important decision after breaking down on my mom today...I no longer will be doing anything that has to do with TTC.. We will NTNP but no tracking, planning, symptom spotting, or hoping..
Either it will happen or it wont and at this point I just cant take the heartache and abuse to my soul that keeps happening. Maybe Jaxson is our only little miracle that we are meant to have... Maybe he was an oops by whomever controls life and death... Maybe they made a happy amazing mistake and let me have him. :) And I def could not be more blessed that it happened.
My life has been so hard, why did I expect anything less by trying to have a family? Why would I think that the drs lied to me??? They know best right :/
Either it will happen or it wont and at this point I just cant take the heartache and abuse to my soul that keeps happening. Maybe Jaxson is our only little miracle that we are meant to have... Maybe he was an oops by whomever controls life and death... Maybe they made a happy amazing mistake and let me have him. :) And I def could not be more blessed that it happened.
My life has been so hard, why did I expect anything less by trying to have a family? Why would I think that the drs lied to me??? They know best right :/
Easter Morning
Firstly, Happy Easter anyone who is reading!!! We don't get to actually celebrate with Jaxson til this afternoon because Tim is working til 1pm. My parents are coming over to help him dye eggs and such this morning :) Thank goodness bc today is not my best day.
So one of my very best friends, Jules had her mc the same time as me so we have become extra close, has gotten her BFP. And as I shed a tear of joy for her I found myself shedding one of sorrow for myself. Asking why do I even try, why do I do this to myself, should I just give up hope on another baby in our family? I am feeling like my body does nothing but fail me. Why would I be blessed with a pregnancy for it to be ripped away weeks later then just days later? It seems like someone is just out to get me. Do they not know what I have been through in the past 22 years? Did they not get the memo that my life has been so far from perfect that all I want and have ever wanted and prayed and asked for is to have a family that I could shield from all that imperfection and agony.
As I sit here crying I just feel like giving up. I used to have such a strong faith in God and his power to heal and to not give you more than you can handle but the day that my momma June passed away I decided it was a crock of shit. Then he took my granny 5yrs later... And now he has taken my children.. MY babies... Peices of MY heart and soul, body and mind. Who gave him the right? Who said that this could be done to someone so undeserving. Don't get me wrong I am far from perfect. I am someone who will admit my mistakes, shortcomings and faults but I didnt ask for this, want this or even need this. How could he! How could he leave me sitting here watching my amazing little guy feeling so lost and so empty?
I am and always have been a "it happens for a reason" kind of girl, its the only way to explain away my pain but today I feel like there is no reason. Like I am stuck in a never ending game of cat and mouse.. Like everytime I have a peice of happiness 10 peices of sadness are to follow just to keep me in check I guess..
Anyways...Headed to get eggs cooked, hoping for a shower, and to put on my "beautiful" smile everyone says I have so that today can be a great day for Jaxson and the family. Inside I might be torn apart but outside today will be perfect for everyone!
So one of my very best friends, Jules had her mc the same time as me so we have become extra close, has gotten her BFP. And as I shed a tear of joy for her I found myself shedding one of sorrow for myself. Asking why do I even try, why do I do this to myself, should I just give up hope on another baby in our family? I am feeling like my body does nothing but fail me. Why would I be blessed with a pregnancy for it to be ripped away weeks later then just days later? It seems like someone is just out to get me. Do they not know what I have been through in the past 22 years? Did they not get the memo that my life has been so far from perfect that all I want and have ever wanted and prayed and asked for is to have a family that I could shield from all that imperfection and agony.
As I sit here crying I just feel like giving up. I used to have such a strong faith in God and his power to heal and to not give you more than you can handle but the day that my momma June passed away I decided it was a crock of shit. Then he took my granny 5yrs later... And now he has taken my children.. MY babies... Peices of MY heart and soul, body and mind. Who gave him the right? Who said that this could be done to someone so undeserving. Don't get me wrong I am far from perfect. I am someone who will admit my mistakes, shortcomings and faults but I didnt ask for this, want this or even need this. How could he! How could he leave me sitting here watching my amazing little guy feeling so lost and so empty?
I am and always have been a "it happens for a reason" kind of girl, its the only way to explain away my pain but today I feel like there is no reason. Like I am stuck in a never ending game of cat and mouse.. Like everytime I have a peice of happiness 10 peices of sadness are to follow just to keep me in check I guess..
Anyways...Headed to get eggs cooked, hoping for a shower, and to put on my "beautiful" smile everyone says I have so that today can be a great day for Jaxson and the family. Inside I might be torn apart but outside today will be perfect for everyone!
Saturday, April 7, 2012
The rest of the day :)
So we went to the playground this afternoon and Jaxson has all of a sudden developed a fear of heights so wont go down the slide by himself, which he has done since he could sit up on his own... It is so strange how suddenly things in his little world change from day to day. I cannot wait to have him sharing and teaching all of his new findings and fears with a sibling, he deserves it.
Speaking of siblings I am going to see my sissa in 16 days (yes I have a countdown on my phone). She is working for Disney in FL and I cannot wait to get down there an hug her. We haven't ever been seperated this long in our lives. Never for more than a week and we will be just shy of 3 months when I see her! Then another 3 til she comes home. This has been a test especially with her gone for my mc. She was getting ready to leave when we found out and of course I would never keep her home wondering and waiting to see what happened, so the day that she planned to leave came around and of course I hugged her, closed the door behind her and proceeded to cry for 3 hours! I miss her so much, Thank God that we talk just about daily at least for a min to say we love eachother and try to video chat once a week. I do have another amazing sibling, my brother I call him Bubsy. He is younger than me(Sissa is too) but he has alot of wisdom in him for his age. I tried to shield him from our not so perfect home life but no matter how much I try I cant keep him from everything, the older he got the more he understood. I am so thankful that I have them. I definitely don't think I would have survived all of the things that have happened in my life without them by my side. (I am sure you will get all of my story in peices, I find it easier to explain as it pertains to information than try to write it all out at once.)
Anyways, after we got home we all kind of chilled for a little bit playing Jaxsons favorite, cars and monster trucks of course! Then made some hamburgers :) Jaxson learned to say Cook last week. Some day I should make a list of all of his words he can say and when he started saying them clearly.. hmm.. Sorry off track, so we made dinner then had dance time (7:30pm every night at the Anderson's is dance night). So dancing was going good and I was stripping him down so just before the end of "dance" we could get jammies on and do the bed time song and rock before I put him down. I got his onsie off and he proceeds to rip off his diaper, not just take it off like a normal child but grab it from the crotch pull it upwards and rip it off like a stripper does thier pants! Tim and I both died laughing for about 2 min literally turning blue in the face! It was sooo funny. One of those moments you wish you could have seen coming to be able to video tape it for the future kind of moments. Ahh only my boy.. haha So we let him dance nudy for the last 15 min then fought him to get his diaper and jam's on. Finally got him into bed and for the first time in his life he put his arms up and said "peeass ma peaass" He wanted me to cuddle (which is agianst the rules bc he had an attachment problem when he was younger and wouldnt let us leave him when he slept) So I kissed him on his cheek then his other one then his forehead and of course his little lips, gave him his paci (I know I know he shouldn't have it but he is severely attached and doesnt get it in the daytime at all) and say "I love you bug and I will see you in the morning) as I do every night, he says"got it" in this sad little whine and turns over to his side and all you hear is a little wimper. Uggghhh broke my heart in half, I said I love you one more time and closed his door and stood there and though "wow, when did my baby get so big? When did he get old enough to really tell me what he is feeling and wanting from me? I cannot believe he will be 2 in just a few short weeks."
Now I am sat here in tears thinking about how much I feel like I missed over the last two years... I have been here for it all, I stay at home with him all day and rarely ever do we let anyone watch him but I still feel like I have missed it, so much of it... For those people who don't know, I suffer from very bad depression. I was diagnosed at a young age and have a long family history of it. After trying out tons of med that just make me feel like I am on the outside looking in I found one that helps but I only take it on a need to take to balance me basis. I have learned how to control it most of the time but there are times where I feel like I could just burst... I have good days and bad days and I am certainly not afraid to admit to it. I know what I have and I know that it is out of my control sometimes and that I didnt give myself this but I can do something to help myself.
Anyway, sorry again for the long posts.. maybe someday I wont have to talk your ear off to get my point across, but right now its my thearapy, so bear with me if you will :)
Speaking of siblings I am going to see my sissa in 16 days (yes I have a countdown on my phone). She is working for Disney in FL and I cannot wait to get down there an hug her. We haven't ever been seperated this long in our lives. Never for more than a week and we will be just shy of 3 months when I see her! Then another 3 til she comes home. This has been a test especially with her gone for my mc. She was getting ready to leave when we found out and of course I would never keep her home wondering and waiting to see what happened, so the day that she planned to leave came around and of course I hugged her, closed the door behind her and proceeded to cry for 3 hours! I miss her so much, Thank God that we talk just about daily at least for a min to say we love eachother and try to video chat once a week. I do have another amazing sibling, my brother I call him Bubsy. He is younger than me(Sissa is too) but he has alot of wisdom in him for his age. I tried to shield him from our not so perfect home life but no matter how much I try I cant keep him from everything, the older he got the more he understood. I am so thankful that I have them. I definitely don't think I would have survived all of the things that have happened in my life without them by my side. (I am sure you will get all of my story in peices, I find it easier to explain as it pertains to information than try to write it all out at once.)
Anyways, after we got home we all kind of chilled for a little bit playing Jaxsons favorite, cars and monster trucks of course! Then made some hamburgers :) Jaxson learned to say Cook last week. Some day I should make a list of all of his words he can say and when he started saying them clearly.. hmm.. Sorry off track, so we made dinner then had dance time (7:30pm every night at the Anderson's is dance night). So dancing was going good and I was stripping him down so just before the end of "dance" we could get jammies on and do the bed time song and rock before I put him down. I got his onsie off and he proceeds to rip off his diaper, not just take it off like a normal child but grab it from the crotch pull it upwards and rip it off like a stripper does thier pants! Tim and I both died laughing for about 2 min literally turning blue in the face! It was sooo funny. One of those moments you wish you could have seen coming to be able to video tape it for the future kind of moments. Ahh only my boy.. haha So we let him dance nudy for the last 15 min then fought him to get his diaper and jam's on. Finally got him into bed and for the first time in his life he put his arms up and said "peeass ma peaass" He wanted me to cuddle (which is agianst the rules bc he had an attachment problem when he was younger and wouldnt let us leave him when he slept) So I kissed him on his cheek then his other one then his forehead and of course his little lips, gave him his paci (I know I know he shouldn't have it but he is severely attached and doesnt get it in the daytime at all) and say "I love you bug and I will see you in the morning) as I do every night, he says"got it" in this sad little whine and turns over to his side and all you hear is a little wimper. Uggghhh broke my heart in half, I said I love you one more time and closed his door and stood there and though "wow, when did my baby get so big? When did he get old enough to really tell me what he is feeling and wanting from me? I cannot believe he will be 2 in just a few short weeks."
Now I am sat here in tears thinking about how much I feel like I missed over the last two years... I have been here for it all, I stay at home with him all day and rarely ever do we let anyone watch him but I still feel like I have missed it, so much of it... For those people who don't know, I suffer from very bad depression. I was diagnosed at a young age and have a long family history of it. After trying out tons of med that just make me feel like I am on the outside looking in I found one that helps but I only take it on a need to take to balance me basis. I have learned how to control it most of the time but there are times where I feel like I could just burst... I have good days and bad days and I am certainly not afraid to admit to it. I know what I have and I know that it is out of my control sometimes and that I didnt give myself this but I can do something to help myself.
Anyway, sorry again for the long posts.. maybe someday I wont have to talk your ear off to get my point across, but right now its my thearapy, so bear with me if you will :)
Seeing the BFP's
So I wake up this morning, late because Jaxson slept in :) YAY! And whats the first thing I see on FB more BFP's! I feel sooo soo left out, I should be further along than any of my friends and now I am left in the outfield alone again. This happened when trying for Jaxson too. I just am feeling a wee bit sorry for myself, hoping to get out in the fresh air today as long as it warms up we will bring Jax to the park. I guess I will write more tonight, I just had to put out there how frustrated I am about this.
Friday, April 6, 2012
So I am new here, this will be my first attempt at a blog or journal or anything.. I am not sure i really know what I am doing but hoping that after recent events in my life this will help me to heal. I suppose I should start with my story. Bear with me this might be a bit lengthly but I am trying to give you the shortened version :)
I will start with meeting my hubby, I suppose that is the real start to my life, before that is all a big mess that I am sure no one in their right mind would want to hear about.
So about 10 years ago I met my amazing husband (I was about 12 at the time and did not know he would one day be my husband). He was a friend of my best friends boyfriend, confusing I know. Anyways, we talked online and over the phone here and there but it wasnt until that best friend started to date him that we became very good friends, he was someone I could look to that would not judge me or the choices I was making. Well fast forward a year and that best friend did some awful thing which drew us even closer together, I broke up with the guy I was seeing and Tim had broken up with Nikki (the best friend) and we looked to eachother for comfort. I was 15 and now was beginning to see that I very well could spend my life with the man on the other end of the computer (we had video chatted, mailed letters, and talked on the phone). So we decided he would come to NY for what started as a visit and he never left. This was November of 2005, 3 years later we were married (August of 2008)...
We had talked about children but he said he didnt really know if he wanted any, I always knew I did so was hoping one day he would change his mind. And that day came when we had an accident and thought we might be pregnant Nov (2008), we weren't but it made us both see we were ready and wanted it so bad, so we officially set a date to start trying (Feb 2009) til then we would see what happened and go from there. Nothing happened so I started joining websites and reading up on ttc and sure enough what the doctors had told me all along was becoming a reality to me, I might not ever become a mother....I have a problem with cysts and a family history of all kinds of problems that seem to be inevitable. I was heartbroken that this wasn't working. Why can't I be a lucky one who just gets pregnant the first go at it??I got a few BFP's in the mean time but all resulted in losses (two that were chemical and two that were a little further but not much) Well, our dreams came true after a trip to see Tim's parents in August of 2009 I got a BFP (again)! This time felt different, felt right, they kept getting stronger and stronger. I was so excited I told everyone I knew.
May 6,2010 we welcomed our precious baby boy Jaxson Ryan Lee into the world at 3:42pm and he was 6lbs 10oz and 19 1/2in long. He was perfect and best of all ours.
Not even a week later we were talking about when to try for another, we were so excited about Jaxson though we wanted to enjoy him for a while and decided his second birthday would be our date to begin the ttc process again. I got the mirena when Jax was just 8weeks old. I figured this way if we wanted to start earlier or later we could and it wouldnt be a problem :)
So the next year went by and things were slowly feeling weird for me... I decided in October 2011 that I should get my mirena removed after researching my symptoms and finding many many other women were having the same thing. The doctor didnt warn me about a withdrawal bleed but I had one and thought I was losing my insides. Then when it was gone we decided to try right away for another little addition, we got pregnant in Nov and found out in Dec on the 12th, I only told a couple people bc I had an amazing plan to tell on Christmas (figuring that any losses i had were so early that would be safe for me). So Christmas rolls around and Jax wore a shirt that said "I've got a secret" on the front and "I am going to be a big brother" on the back!! Everyone was so excited. I planned a drs appt for after the holidays and went in on Jan 4th for a confirmation and the test came back strong and immediately. We set up an appt for January 18th because my dr didnt see you til you were at least 6-8 weeks which by my dates I was 8+5 weeks on the 18th but because of the Mirena being removed they couldn't say for sure. At my appt on the 18th they did bloodwork and all the checking and a pap bc I hadn't had one since July and set up an ultrasound for dating on the 24th of January. So we counted down the days to see our precious bean and waited so impatiently and the day finally came!!!
January 24th, the day we found out our little bean didn't have a heartbeat, she (gut instinct) had passed away at 9ish weeks and I was 9+4. So just days before my precious angel had left us. The sonographer was amazing as she had just gone through the same thing not too long before and she was pregnant with her first when I was with Jax. She hugged me and cried with me... I couldn't believe it. I went to the office and saw a midwife, she said I could go in for surgery or wait it out. I like to believe I could trust my body so I decided to wait it out. On February 7th 2012 I delivered a very tiny but very noticable little bean at about 5pm.. It was and always will be my bean's birthday. As soon as my levels were 0 which wasn't long after losing bean we were told it was okay to ttc again.
We have been trying since then and this week were blessed with a BFP on Tuesday at just 9dpo. Sadly on Thursday we started getting BFN's and Friday started my AF so we are sure that again God has taken our baby from us too early. I should be 20w with bean right now, today.. but instead I am sitting here writing about how much I miss her and wanted her. And how we are back to square 1 again... Someday I will be a mommy of 2 I just know and hope anyways..
Sorry so long just wanted my whole story so from here out I can just write what I am feeling and how we are all doing <3
I will start with meeting my hubby, I suppose that is the real start to my life, before that is all a big mess that I am sure no one in their right mind would want to hear about.
So about 10 years ago I met my amazing husband (I was about 12 at the time and did not know he would one day be my husband). He was a friend of my best friends boyfriend, confusing I know. Anyways, we talked online and over the phone here and there but it wasnt until that best friend started to date him that we became very good friends, he was someone I could look to that would not judge me or the choices I was making. Well fast forward a year and that best friend did some awful thing which drew us even closer together, I broke up with the guy I was seeing and Tim had broken up with Nikki (the best friend) and we looked to eachother for comfort. I was 15 and now was beginning to see that I very well could spend my life with the man on the other end of the computer (we had video chatted, mailed letters, and talked on the phone). So we decided he would come to NY for what started as a visit and he never left. This was November of 2005, 3 years later we were married (August of 2008)...
We had talked about children but he said he didnt really know if he wanted any, I always knew I did so was hoping one day he would change his mind. And that day came when we had an accident and thought we might be pregnant Nov (2008), we weren't but it made us both see we were ready and wanted it so bad, so we officially set a date to start trying (Feb 2009) til then we would see what happened and go from there. Nothing happened so I started joining websites and reading up on ttc and sure enough what the doctors had told me all along was becoming a reality to me, I might not ever become a mother....I have a problem with cysts and a family history of all kinds of problems that seem to be inevitable. I was heartbroken that this wasn't working. Why can't I be a lucky one who just gets pregnant the first go at it??I got a few BFP's in the mean time but all resulted in losses (two that were chemical and two that were a little further but not much) Well, our dreams came true after a trip to see Tim's parents in August of 2009 I got a BFP (again)! This time felt different, felt right, they kept getting stronger and stronger. I was so excited I told everyone I knew.
May 6,2010 we welcomed our precious baby boy Jaxson Ryan Lee into the world at 3:42pm and he was 6lbs 10oz and 19 1/2in long. He was perfect and best of all ours.
Not even a week later we were talking about when to try for another, we were so excited about Jaxson though we wanted to enjoy him for a while and decided his second birthday would be our date to begin the ttc process again. I got the mirena when Jax was just 8weeks old. I figured this way if we wanted to start earlier or later we could and it wouldnt be a problem :)
So the next year went by and things were slowly feeling weird for me... I decided in October 2011 that I should get my mirena removed after researching my symptoms and finding many many other women were having the same thing. The doctor didnt warn me about a withdrawal bleed but I had one and thought I was losing my insides. Then when it was gone we decided to try right away for another little addition, we got pregnant in Nov and found out in Dec on the 12th, I only told a couple people bc I had an amazing plan to tell on Christmas (figuring that any losses i had were so early that would be safe for me). So Christmas rolls around and Jax wore a shirt that said "I've got a secret" on the front and "I am going to be a big brother" on the back!! Everyone was so excited. I planned a drs appt for after the holidays and went in on Jan 4th for a confirmation and the test came back strong and immediately. We set up an appt for January 18th because my dr didnt see you til you were at least 6-8 weeks which by my dates I was 8+5 weeks on the 18th but because of the Mirena being removed they couldn't say for sure. At my appt on the 18th they did bloodwork and all the checking and a pap bc I hadn't had one since July and set up an ultrasound for dating on the 24th of January. So we counted down the days to see our precious bean and waited so impatiently and the day finally came!!!
January 24th, the day we found out our little bean didn't have a heartbeat, she (gut instinct) had passed away at 9ish weeks and I was 9+4. So just days before my precious angel had left us. The sonographer was amazing as she had just gone through the same thing not too long before and she was pregnant with her first when I was with Jax. She hugged me and cried with me... I couldn't believe it. I went to the office and saw a midwife, she said I could go in for surgery or wait it out. I like to believe I could trust my body so I decided to wait it out. On February 7th 2012 I delivered a very tiny but very noticable little bean at about 5pm.. It was and always will be my bean's birthday. As soon as my levels were 0 which wasn't long after losing bean we were told it was okay to ttc again.
We have been trying since then and this week were blessed with a BFP on Tuesday at just 9dpo. Sadly on Thursday we started getting BFN's and Friday started my AF so we are sure that again God has taken our baby from us too early. I should be 20w with bean right now, today.. but instead I am sitting here writing about how much I miss her and wanted her. And how we are back to square 1 again... Someday I will be a mommy of 2 I just know and hope anyways..
Sorry so long just wanted my whole story so from here out I can just write what I am feeling and how we are all doing <3
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)