Easter Morning

Firstly, Happy Easter anyone who is reading!!! We don't get to actually celebrate with Jaxson til this afternoon because Tim is working til 1pm. My parents are coming over to help him dye eggs and such this morning :) Thank goodness bc today is not my best day.

So one of my very best friends, Jules had her mc the same time as me so we have become extra close, has gotten her BFP. And as I shed a tear of joy for her I found myself shedding one of sorrow for myself. Asking why do I even try, why do I do this to myself, should I just give up hope on another baby in our family? I am feeling like my body does nothing but fail me. Why would I be blessed with a pregnancy for it to be ripped away weeks later then just days later? It seems like someone is just out to get me. Do they not know what I have been through in the past 22 years? Did they not get the memo that my life has been so far from perfect that all I want and have ever wanted and prayed and asked for is to have a family that I could shield from all that imperfection and agony.

As I sit here crying I just feel like giving up. I used to have such a strong faith in God and his power to heal and to not give you more than you can handle but the day that my momma June passed away I decided it was a crock of shit. Then he took my granny 5yrs later... And now he has taken my children.. MY babies... Peices of MY heart and soul, body and mind. Who gave him the right? Who said that this could be done to someone so undeserving. Don't get me wrong I am far from perfect. I am someone who will admit my mistakes, shortcomings and faults but I didnt ask for this, want this or even need this. How could he! How could he leave me sitting here watching my amazing little guy feeling so lost and so empty?

I am and always have been a "it happens for a reason" kind of girl, its the only way to explain away my pain but today I feel like there is no reason. Like I am stuck in a never ending game of cat and mouse.. Like everytime I have a peice of happiness 10 peices of sadness are to follow just to keep me in check I guess..

Anyways...Headed to get eggs cooked, hoping for a shower, and to put on my "beautiful" smile everyone says I have so that today can be a great day for Jaxson and the family. Inside I might be torn apart but outside today will be perfect for everyone!