Trying alone...

Woke up today and came to the realization that I feel like I am going through all of this completely alone...

I know my husband isnt an "emotional being" but I feel like none of this has hit him like it has me. Like he feels like it happened so move on :( I know it bothers him in some fashion but when I talk about ttc or anything he just says ok or if that is what you want... well i want you to want it too!! Why can't you want it as bad as I do or at least pretend you do. I know you want it but to what extent? Ugghhh...

I just want Jaxson to be a sibling..I want him to have that sense of security in someone who will be there with him all his life. I couldnt have gotten through without mine and I want that for him. I am not asking to have 20 babies or be one of those women who get pregnant once a year..I just want 1 more and I will be done. I wont try for more or ask for more.. I will be happy and watch them grow and learn. I will teach them and learn with them.I will keep them safe and happy. I promise... Just who ever is in control of this please please let me just be a mommy to a sibling for my little bug, he deserves nothing more.

I pray every night to a God I dont know is there, to someone who seems to have never heard my prayers or at least never tried to make good on them. I ask for health and happiness for the ones I love. I ask for him to help the people that are feeling so low that they don't know they can handle being alive anymore, bc i have been that person. I have stooped so low that I didnt think I could get up again ever. But I did and not because someone helped me or stood by me, but because I found some strength in myself that I didnt know I had. I did it all my myself. I held on because I figured things couldnt get any worse right? Things have to look up from here.. I pray that one day I can be happy,  the real kind of happy not the kind where you put a smile on and laugh so that no one knows the unbearable pain that is inside of you. I pray that my little man will find an inner peace at a young age so that he never ever has to feel how I do and that this horrible depression that I have been gifted my my mom and her mom and her dad and probably his dad will not find Jax Ryan. That he will live in a state of happiness that his momma couldn't ever seem to find. And finally I pray that my parents will see what they have, it might not be much but they have 3 amazing children and 1 brilliant grandchild that are worth living for, that my dad will one day put the bottle down and stop smoking so that he can live for the things that are here and not the things of the past....