So we went to the playground this afternoon and Jaxson has all of a sudden developed a fear of heights so wont go down the slide by himself, which he has done since he could sit up on his own... It is so strange how suddenly things in his little world change from day to day. I cannot wait to have him sharing and teaching all of his new findings and fears with a sibling, he deserves it.
Speaking of siblings I am going to see my sissa in 16 days (yes I have a countdown on my phone). She is working for Disney in FL and I cannot wait to get down there an hug her. We haven't ever been seperated this long in our lives. Never for more than a week and we will be just shy of 3 months when I see her! Then another 3 til she comes home. This has been a test especially with her gone for my mc. She was getting ready to leave when we found out and of course I would never keep her home wondering and waiting to see what happened, so the day that she planned to leave came around and of course I hugged her, closed the door behind her and proceeded to cry for 3 hours! I miss her so much, Thank God that we talk just about daily at least for a min to say we love eachother and try to video chat once a week. I do have another amazing sibling, my brother I call him Bubsy. He is younger than me(Sissa is too) but he has alot of wisdom in him for his age. I tried to shield him from our not so perfect home life but no matter how much I try I cant keep him from everything, the older he got the more he understood. I am so thankful that I have them. I definitely don't think I would have survived all of the things that have happened in my life without them by my side. (I am sure you will get all of my story in peices, I find it easier to explain as it pertains to information than try to write it all out at once.)
Anyways, after we got home we all kind of chilled for a little bit playing Jaxsons favorite, cars and monster trucks of course! Then made some hamburgers :) Jaxson learned to say Cook last week. Some day I should make a list of all of his words he can say and when he started saying them clearly.. hmm.. Sorry off track, so we made dinner then had dance time (7:30pm every night at the Anderson's is dance night). So dancing was going good and I was stripping him down so just before the end of "dance" we could get jammies on and do the bed time song and rock before I put him down. I got his onsie off and he proceeds to rip off his diaper, not just take it off like a normal child but grab it from the crotch pull it upwards and rip it off like a stripper does thier pants! Tim and I both died laughing for about 2 min literally turning blue in the face! It was sooo funny. One of those moments you wish you could have seen coming to be able to video tape it for the future kind of moments. Ahh only my boy.. haha So we let him dance nudy for the last 15 min then fought him to get his diaper and jam's on. Finally got him into bed and for the first time in his life he put his arms up and said "peeass ma peaass" He wanted me to cuddle (which is agianst the rules bc he had an attachment problem when he was younger and wouldnt let us leave him when he slept) So I kissed him on his cheek then his other one then his forehead and of course his little lips, gave him his paci (I know I know he shouldn't have it but he is severely attached and doesnt get it in the daytime at all) and say "I love you bug and I will see you in the morning) as I do every night, he says"got it" in this sad little whine and turns over to his side and all you hear is a little wimper. Uggghhh broke my heart in half, I said I love you one more time and closed his door and stood there and though "wow, when did my baby get so big? When did he get old enough to really tell me what he is feeling and wanting from me? I cannot believe he will be 2 in just a few short weeks."
Now I am sat here in tears thinking about how much I feel like I missed over the last two years... I have been here for it all, I stay at home with him all day and rarely ever do we let anyone watch him but I still feel like I have missed it, so much of it... For those people who don't know, I suffer from very bad depression. I was diagnosed at a young age and have a long family history of it. After trying out tons of med that just make me feel like I am on the outside looking in I found one that helps but I only take it on a need to take to balance me basis. I have learned how to control it most of the time but there are times where I feel like I could just burst... I have good days and bad days and I am certainly not afraid to admit to it. I know what I have and I know that it is out of my control sometimes and that I didnt give myself this but I can do something to help myself.
Anyway, sorry again for the long posts.. maybe someday I wont have to talk your ear off to get my point across, but right now its my thearapy, so bear with me if you will :)
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