So I am new here, this will be my first attempt at a blog or journal or anything.. I am not sure i really know what I am doing but hoping that after recent events in my life this will help me to heal. I suppose I should start with my story. Bear with me this might be a bit lengthly but I am trying to give you the shortened version :)
I will start with meeting my hubby, I suppose that is the real start to my life, before that is all a big mess that I am sure no one in their right mind would want to hear about.


So about 10 years ago I met my amazing husband (I was about 12 at the time and did not know he would one day be my husband). He was a friend of my best friends boyfriend, confusing I know. Anyways, we talked online and over the phone here and there but it wasnt until that best friend started to date him that we became very good friends, he was someone I could look to that would not judge me or the choices I was making. Well fast forward a year and that best friend did some awful thing which drew us even closer together, I broke up with the guy I was seeing and Tim had broken up with Nikki (the best friend) and we looked to eachother for comfort. I was 15 and now was beginning to see that I very well could spend my life with the man on the other end of the computer (we had video chatted, mailed letters, and talked on the phone). So we decided he would come to NY for what started as a visit and he never left. This was November of 2005, 3 years later we were married (August of 2008)...


We had talked about children but he said he didnt really know if he wanted any, I always knew I did so was hoping one day he would change his mind. And that day came when we had an accident and thought we might be pregnant Nov (2008), we weren't but it made us both see we were ready and wanted it so bad, so we officially set a date to start trying (Feb 2009) til then we would see what happened and go from there. Nothing happened so I started joining websites and reading up on ttc and sure enough what the doctors had told me all along was becoming a reality to me, I might not ever become a mother....I have a problem with cysts and a family history of all kinds of problems that seem to be inevitable. I was heartbroken that this wasn't working. Why can't I be a lucky one who just gets pregnant the first go at it??I got a few BFP's in the mean time but all resulted in losses (two that were chemical and two that were a little further but not much) Well, our dreams came true after a trip to see Tim's parents in August of 2009 I got a BFP (again)! This time felt different, felt right, they kept getting stronger and stronger. I was so excited I told everyone I knew.


May 6,2010 we welcomed our precious baby boy Jaxson Ryan Lee into the world at 3:42pm and he was 6lbs 10oz and 19 1/2in long. He was perfect and best of all ours.
Not even a week later we were talking about when to try for another, we were so excited about Jaxson though we wanted to enjoy him for a while and decided his second birthday would be our date to begin the ttc process again. I got the mirena when Jax was just 8weeks old. I figured this way if we wanted to start earlier or later we could and it wouldnt be a problem :)


So the next year went by and things were slowly feeling weird for me... I decided in October 2011 that I should get my mirena removed after researching my symptoms and finding many many other women were having the same thing. The doctor didnt warn me about a withdrawal bleed but I had one and thought I was losing my insides. Then when it was gone we decided to try right away for another little addition, we got pregnant in Nov and found out in Dec on the 12th, I only told a couple people bc I had an amazing plan to tell on Christmas (figuring that any losses i had were so early that would be safe for me). So Christmas rolls around and Jax wore a shirt that said "I've got a secret" on the front and "I am going to be a big brother" on the back!! Everyone was so excited. I planned a drs appt for after the holidays and went in on Jan 4th for a confirmation and the test came back strong and immediately. We set up an appt for January 18th because my dr didnt see you til you were at least 6-8 weeks which by my dates I was 8+5 weeks on the 18th but because of the Mirena being removed they couldn't say for sure. At my appt on the 18th they did bloodwork and all the checking and a pap bc I hadn't had one since July and set up an ultrasound for dating on the 24th of January. So we counted down the days to see our precious bean and waited so impatiently and the day finally came!!!


January 24th, the day we found out our little bean didn't have a heartbeat, she (gut instinct) had passed away at 9ish weeks and I was 9+4. So just days before my precious angel had left us. The sonographer was amazing as she had just gone through the same thing not too long before and she was pregnant with her first when I was with Jax. She hugged me and cried with me... I couldn't believe it. I went to the office and saw a midwife, she said I could go in for surgery or wait it out. I like to believe I could trust my body so I decided to wait it out. On February 7th 2012 I delivered a very tiny but very noticable little bean at about 5pm.. It was and always will be my bean's birthday. As soon as my levels were 0 which wasn't long after losing bean we were told it was okay to ttc again.


We have been trying since then and this week were blessed with a BFP on Tuesday at just 9dpo. Sadly on Thursday we started getting BFN's and Friday started my AF so we are sure that again God has taken our baby from us too early. I should be 20w with bean right now, today.. but instead I am sitting here writing about how much I miss her and wanted her. And how we are back to square 1 again... Someday I will be a mommy of 2 I just  know and hope anyways..


Sorry so long just wanted my whole story so from here out I can just write what I am feeling and how we are all doing <3