Alright well not too much difference over the last few days besides her movements becoming soo strong now! <3 Jaxson has really started to connect with her and says he is going to teach her all kinds of things. Its so cute, he is just talking well so its nice to know he wants to have a little sister as much we want to have a daughter.
I still worry about his transition once she is here but think that it will go okay. Tim will have 2 weeks off to help and my mom will be here alot. My sister says she will but well havent seen much of here as of late so I am not sure how that will go, also she really seems mad about this being a girl and still will not even talk about it.
Tim has come around and asks as soon as he gets home how she is doing <3 I am so glad he is finally getting excited about it! Its amazing to have both my boys love this as much as I do and what this little lady to be in our world of blue :)
Lilypie Maternity tickers
Monday, July 23, 2012
Friday, July 20, 2012
15 Weeks
Well today has been an emotional day.. I felt amazing this morning my little lady has been moving and rolling all over! I had the biggest smile waking up at 6am! Too early! haha
Anyways as the day went on, my sister never called, her boyfriend got out of jail yesterday (it was a minor offense and he was at a shock incarceration center not like prison). Anyway.. she said she would call and never did :( So then I was talking to my bestie and was hoping him and the wife would be able to come up around the holidays and that I might just be having lil miss around then (last time they were here til the middle of Jan) But found out bc he is going back to tech school for retraining he more than likely wouldnt be home :( He missed Jaxson's birth bc of tech school too! Grrrr.. I hate the Air Force some times!
Then Jaxson spilled a whole water bottle full of gatorade all over the stinking carpet! :/ Then sadly there was another loss on my August group and we all took it very hard. It really shook me because I feel like I have over come so much already for lil miss to be healthy and its so scary that something could go so wrong right at the very end. I feel heart broken for this wonderful woman and wish I could do something to help. I cannot imagine how it must feel for her to have lost her precious baby boy....
So over all today stunk! I curled up on the couch with my bug for a while this afternoon and just thought about how much we have been through and how much our two amazing children mean to us. I cannot wait for our little lady to join our family and to watch her grow.
Hubby is coming around now about having a girl which makes things soo much easier, but my sister still says not to name her and that she is a boy. Which really stings bc I want a girl so badly and I just want everyone that knows (which isnt very many people) to be excited and share all of this with us.
Anyways as the day went on, my sister never called, her boyfriend got out of jail yesterday (it was a minor offense and he was at a shock incarceration center not like prison). Anyway.. she said she would call and never did :( So then I was talking to my bestie and was hoping him and the wife would be able to come up around the holidays and that I might just be having lil miss around then (last time they were here til the middle of Jan) But found out bc he is going back to tech school for retraining he more than likely wouldnt be home :( He missed Jaxson's birth bc of tech school too! Grrrr.. I hate the Air Force some times!
Then Jaxson spilled a whole water bottle full of gatorade all over the stinking carpet! :/ Then sadly there was another loss on my August group and we all took it very hard. It really shook me because I feel like I have over come so much already for lil miss to be healthy and its so scary that something could go so wrong right at the very end. I feel heart broken for this wonderful woman and wish I could do something to help. I cannot imagine how it must feel for her to have lost her precious baby boy....
So over all today stunk! I curled up on the couch with my bug for a while this afternoon and just thought about how much we have been through and how much our two amazing children mean to us. I cannot wait for our little lady to join our family and to watch her grow.
Hubby is coming around now about having a girl which makes things soo much easier, but my sister still says not to name her and that she is a boy. Which really stings bc I want a girl so badly and I just want everyone that knows (which isnt very many people) to be excited and share all of this with us.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
14+5
Alrighty, well tomorrow is my next ultrasound.. I didnt get anxious before the last one at all, but this time I am going crazy.. Totally anxious and nervous... I had a dream last night that was so real that I woke up in tears, baby had no heartbeat :( I have been having these dreams for weeks now and it is really getting to me :/ Oh well. I believe all will be fine and we are going to see a nice healthy kicking little baby. Oh and hopefully a gender on that little baby! haha We are both starting to get anxious now about knowing what baby Cinny is. Its so fun to try to guess but we def could not go the whole time without knowing! No way! Anyways. Will update after my appt tomorrow with some pics :)
Saturday, July 14, 2012
14+1
Having a little bit of a tough time, last night I broke down and just balled my eyes out bc I missed my precious angel bean.. I wished i was nearing the end like all of my amazing pp girls are. I am soo sooo beyond lucky to have Cinny growing strong in my tummy but it is so hard sometimes not to dwell on what could have been. I try to not do it often bc I would def be consumed by it, it is just my personality. But the closer i get to my dd for bean the harder it seems to be on me. Tim talks about it too and says that it is fine for me to have days of sadness and days of missing but it wasnt my fault. I did everything right and could not have helped it. In my head it feels like I should have done something, its a mom thing, I should always protect my children....
Anyways besides that I am just feeling depressed the last few days. I try to not complain or talk about it bc everything is so hard already but it is really getting to me. I think I might have to clue in the dr about it just to be sure we watch it together. I dont want it to over take me and ruin my last pregnancy.
Update on Bug: He is opening doors the past 2 days, also talking more and more by the day! I just love hearing his little voice! I cannot believe that a little over 3 years ago I was finding out that I was pregnant with him, my miracle baby! And now he is an amazing toddler and getting prepared to be a big brother! Who would have thought!
Hubby cleaned the playroom for the most part yesterday, so bug can finally go in there again! It was horrible with the corn starch! So that is nice he is happy to be able to play with his things again, we only had to throw out 2 toys that were filled with it and we just couldnt get cleaned!
Hoping to start buying some cloth diapers soon! Very excited to be trying that with this baby.
Write again soon <3
Anyways besides that I am just feeling depressed the last few days. I try to not complain or talk about it bc everything is so hard already but it is really getting to me. I think I might have to clue in the dr about it just to be sure we watch it together. I dont want it to over take me and ruin my last pregnancy.
Update on Bug: He is opening doors the past 2 days, also talking more and more by the day! I just love hearing his little voice! I cannot believe that a little over 3 years ago I was finding out that I was pregnant with him, my miracle baby! And now he is an amazing toddler and getting prepared to be a big brother! Who would have thought!
Hubby cleaned the playroom for the most part yesterday, so bug can finally go in there again! It was horrible with the corn starch! So that is nice he is happy to be able to play with his things again, we only had to throw out 2 toys that were filled with it and we just couldnt get cleaned!
Hoping to start buying some cloth diapers soon! Very excited to be trying that with this baby.
Write again soon <3
Thursday, July 12, 2012
14 weeks tomorrow!!!
So kind of bad at updating daily, things just get so crazy and I am usually mobile which would take me hours to write a single post.. haha
Anyways, still having morning sickness! :/ 14 weeks tomorrow so hoping that sometime very soon this baby will give me a little break.
Uploaded all of my pregnancy pics to my fb today.. that took a bit! Thank goodness I took them off my phone bc it decided it didnt like my SD card and deleted everything on it! I was soo mad! Anyways I have an appt in 7 days to see Cinny again and just cannot wait. How likely is it that we can get a peek at the gender at 14+6? Does anyone know?
On the family front, Tim is working alot, as usual, Jaxson has wanted Daddy all the time. Which is starting to wear on me bc he wont even let me rock him at night these days...
Not much else today, just bored and tired of bed rest... Hopefully next Thursday will hold some good news and I can get off this darn couch! haha
Going to attach my 14w bump pic and a progression pic too :)
Anyways, still having morning sickness! :/ 14 weeks tomorrow so hoping that sometime very soon this baby will give me a little break.
Uploaded all of my pregnancy pics to my fb today.. that took a bit! Thank goodness I took them off my phone bc it decided it didnt like my SD card and deleted everything on it! I was soo mad! Anyways I have an appt in 7 days to see Cinny again and just cannot wait. How likely is it that we can get a peek at the gender at 14+6? Does anyone know?
On the family front, Tim is working alot, as usual, Jaxson has wanted Daddy all the time. Which is starting to wear on me bc he wont even let me rock him at night these days...
Not much else today, just bored and tired of bed rest... Hopefully next Thursday will hold some good news and I can get off this darn couch! haha
Going to attach my 14w bump pic and a progression pic too :)
Friday, July 6, 2012
Sorry for the break
Sorry for the break in writing. Had a party we went to on the 3rd of July, it was fun but not how it usually is so it was weird. We had a good time though. Even though I sat the whole time ( well most of it ) I still felt awful the last few days. Anyways, not much else since. Still spotting alot. I wish that would stop so I dont have to worry quite as much about what is happening. I cannot wait til our next scan so that we can make sure that all is okay with baby. Plus we might be able to sneak a peak at the gender <3 We are very sure we want to know now but also sure that we do not want to tell anyone else (well besides the few groups I am in and maybe my mom bc she is dying to know). We are also keeping the names secret. We had someone steal Jaxson's original name and it really hurt our feelings at the time and these names mean so much to su that we def dont want someone to take them ;)
So 13 days til our scan. Then only a couple weeks from then til our Anniversary! Woot! Trying to pick where to go for dinner since its the only night out that we get every year. We have some amazing friends that want to take Jaxson for the evening for us.
Tonight we are going to have a family night and maybe watch a movie and just hang out for a bit. Things have been so stressful lately it will be nice to just cuddle my boys, feel Cinny popping away in there and watch a movie <3
So 13 days til our scan. Then only a couple weeks from then til our Anniversary! Woot! Trying to pick where to go for dinner since its the only night out that we get every year. We have some amazing friends that want to take Jaxson for the evening for us.
Tonight we are going to have a family night and maybe watch a movie and just hang out for a bit. Things have been so stressful lately it will be nice to just cuddle my boys, feel Cinny popping away in there and watch a movie <3
Monday, July 2, 2012
12 weeks and 3 days with baby Cinny.
So not a whole lot to write about. I have been finding that sitting on the couch is giving me more moments of weakness. I find myself thinking of the what ifs more that I would on a normal day and how things are going to affect Jaxson. How is he going to take to baby? How is he going to do if things dont get better and I have to be hospitalized? How am I going to handle 2 kids under 3? Will I be able to potty train Jaxson before baby comes or even after? Oh the questions... I guess all of them will be answered with time but really I feel like time is the enemy right this second. However, I dont want that to be taken as I would trade all this for anything, because I would do this over and over for a healthy sibling for my little Bug. I think its just me getting the better of myself at this point.
Anyways, besides that I broke out of the house for a bit yesterday, just a car ride with my sister but it was well worth the fresh air and talk. I feel like sometimes we arent as close as we were say 6 months ago. I know both of us have had so much going on but its so hard bc she has always been my go to. Hopefully thing will get better as time moves on. She is going to take Bug today so that I can rest and she can have time with him, which is wonderful bc I wasnt sure how I would get through the day on my own with him... Which has never happened
Off to the dr again today. I have had the appt booked for a couple weeks but am glad it was kept bc I am having some really bad lower left pains and its making me nervous... I hate how scared I am all the time about this baby. I just want all to be perfect and to have a healthy baby in January!
Oh a small side note on the nickname chosen, Cinnamon :) One of my best friends Jules found out she was pregnant in Grenada (spice island) and called here baby Nutmeg (we mc'd at the same time) so the following month when I found out I had been craving Cinnamon and we decided to have spice babies :) So Cinny is now our little nickname for baby.
Anyways, besides that I broke out of the house for a bit yesterday, just a car ride with my sister but it was well worth the fresh air and talk. I feel like sometimes we arent as close as we were say 6 months ago. I know both of us have had so much going on but its so hard bc she has always been my go to. Hopefully thing will get better as time moves on. She is going to take Bug today so that I can rest and she can have time with him, which is wonderful bc I wasnt sure how I would get through the day on my own with him... Which has never happened
Off to the dr again today. I have had the appt booked for a couple weeks but am glad it was kept bc I am having some really bad lower left pains and its making me nervous... I hate how scared I am all the time about this baby. I just want all to be perfect and to have a healthy baby in January!
Oh a small side note on the nickname chosen, Cinnamon :) One of my best friends Jules found out she was pregnant in Grenada (spice island) and called here baby Nutmeg (we mc'd at the same time) so the following month when I found out I had been craving Cinnamon and we decided to have spice babies :) So Cinny is now our little nickname for baby.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
We are PREGNANT!!!! :)
Okay so a little info. We are 12weeks and 1 day pregnant! Woot! I havent wrote in a while bc keeping it a secret was so hard for me but I am back and this will be the first of daily posts about my pregnancy and surviving bed rest for a tear in my uterus and placent previa!
Alright so today was a bust. I have a lovely friend who was supposed to come over so used my time standing getting ready to see her and cooking myself some rice with cheese... Well the friend over did it outside (she is about a month behind me in her pregnancy) which I totally understood and didnt bother me one bit. Then my rice wouldnt stay down so been starving but cant really eat :/ Then hubby gets home and discovers when he did laundry yesterday there was a pen so my dryer we bought in Feb now has nasty pen all over the inside of it. I am feeling like no one can do things the way I can do them. Jaxson is a mess bc he just doesnt want to do things with anyone but me and I am a mess bc I feel like a bad mom.
My bump buddy found out what she is having today! I am so excited that she is having a little girlie! Now to hope I get the same result, although wont be disappointed if I have a boy but really have felt girl all along. Hopefully will find out in the next month or so bc of all the extra scans we should be able to tell early.
On the baby front I have been feeling flutters since Tuesday and it just makes me feel so much better. I just cant wait to see my baby again. I know that I get to see him/her often and I feel so blessed for that but with all this stuff going on it just eases my mind every time we here the hb or see baby's little face.
Anyways. I guess that is it for today... Maybe I will have more exciting things to write about soon :)
Alright so today was a bust. I have a lovely friend who was supposed to come over so used my time standing getting ready to see her and cooking myself some rice with cheese... Well the friend over did it outside (she is about a month behind me in her pregnancy) which I totally understood and didnt bother me one bit. Then my rice wouldnt stay down so been starving but cant really eat :/ Then hubby gets home and discovers when he did laundry yesterday there was a pen so my dryer we bought in Feb now has nasty pen all over the inside of it. I am feeling like no one can do things the way I can do them. Jaxson is a mess bc he just doesnt want to do things with anyone but me and I am a mess bc I feel like a bad mom.
My bump buddy found out what she is having today! I am so excited that she is having a little girlie! Now to hope I get the same result, although wont be disappointed if I have a boy but really have felt girl all along. Hopefully will find out in the next month or so bc of all the extra scans we should be able to tell early.
On the baby front I have been feeling flutters since Tuesday and it just makes me feel so much better. I just cant wait to see my baby again. I know that I get to see him/her often and I feel so blessed for that but with all this stuff going on it just eases my mind every time we here the hb or see baby's little face.
Anyways. I guess that is it for today... Maybe I will have more exciting things to write about soon :)
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
small update ;)
Alright, havent updated in over a week. Sorry to those waiting...
We had a busy week, we took Jaxson out to the museum of play in Rochester on Sunday and it was fab. We got together with a good friend Nikki and her little lady Lily, we had a blast. Then met up with Sara and Scott for some ice cream and running around the beach :) Jaxson had a good time so that was all that mattered.
Jaxson is doing so well with speaking. Still working on paci and potty issues but it will happen with time and I am not worried if someone else is oh well, not my problem...
Tim and I are great... Just taking things day by day and feeling so strong in our relationship right now. It is really nice to know I have not only a husband but a partner in all of this :) He really is amazing. We have had our rough times but happy to say we are going strong and could never ask for anything better that the awesome marriage we have built. I cant believe we have been married almost 4yrs now :)
Dr's appt on Thursday and I cant wait to update and let you all know how that goes :)
We had a busy week, we took Jaxson out to the museum of play in Rochester on Sunday and it was fab. We got together with a good friend Nikki and her little lady Lily, we had a blast. Then met up with Sara and Scott for some ice cream and running around the beach :) Jaxson had a good time so that was all that mattered.
Jaxson is doing so well with speaking. Still working on paci and potty issues but it will happen with time and I am not worried if someone else is oh well, not my problem...
Tim and I are great... Just taking things day by day and feeling so strong in our relationship right now. It is really nice to know I have not only a husband but a partner in all of this :) He really is amazing. We have had our rough times but happy to say we are going strong and could never ask for anything better that the awesome marriage we have built. I cant believe we have been married almost 4yrs now :)
Dr's appt on Thursday and I cant wait to update and let you all know how that goes :)
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Happy Mother's Day!!!! :)
Happy Momma's day all you lovely mommy's out there! I hope that you all have a great day!
As for me, the last few days have been crazy busy! Sorry about the lack of posts.
Last night I was up sick all night :( Ugghh stupid tummy :/ Then Jaxson got up at 7am this morning! Woahh! Not like him at all, and of course on the night that I was sick, So we got up and had a little something to eat. Now just chilling watching some TV and playing.. My hubby is working so nothing special for this momma today!
Update on Jaxson: He is talking a whole lot, even week to week you can tell a big difference in his speech, which i am thrilled about! He is also learning to do things like throw a basketball through a hoop when standing away from it, and a football through a hole... He is doing amazing things. He is asking for things more instead of whining for them! Woot!
Update on hubs: nothing really to update.. He is working a ton! It is nice that he loves his job now, after switching around so much in the last year he is finally happy!
Update on me: Feeling sicker than ever, waiting for my appt, only 11 days left! Finally! Now to just be able to report some good news! :) Wouldn't that be lovely!
As for me, the last few days have been crazy busy! Sorry about the lack of posts.
Last night I was up sick all night :( Ugghh stupid tummy :/ Then Jaxson got up at 7am this morning! Woahh! Not like him at all, and of course on the night that I was sick, So we got up and had a little something to eat. Now just chilling watching some TV and playing.. My hubby is working so nothing special for this momma today!
Update on Jaxson: He is talking a whole lot, even week to week you can tell a big difference in his speech, which i am thrilled about! He is also learning to do things like throw a basketball through a hoop when standing away from it, and a football through a hole... He is doing amazing things. He is asking for things more instead of whining for them! Woot!
Update on hubs: nothing really to update.. He is working a ton! It is nice that he loves his job now, after switching around so much in the last year he is finally happy!
Update on me: Feeling sicker than ever, waiting for my appt, only 11 days left! Finally! Now to just be able to report some good news! :) Wouldn't that be lovely!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Lazy family day :)
So today we had a lazy day just hanging around in jammies and watching movies together :) Best day as a family in a while, just the three of us. I love being able to see Tim interact with Jaxson and be such an amazing father. It truely amazes me at how much love there is between them and how great he is with buggy. Not that I ever thought he would be bad with him but for a long time he didnt believe in himeslf at all. Now they are amazing together.
Little update on Jaxson, he has 2 of his 4 molars, both the ones on the left side. Hopefully he will get the other 2 very soon! He is saying more words by the day and starting to put sentence's together now! Its so cool to listen to him. He has learned to pick up the dog now, so he does that if he wants her away from him. haha ummm... He LOVES his slide and balls that Auntie Jules got him for his birthday! We cant keep him off it (as it is now it is in the living room til we can afford a fence for outside). :)
Little update on me: not much to say as of the moment... Been doing well, not really sad or anything for a good week now! Woot! Wish I could sleep more than a few hours a night, that is starting to get to me a bit but I am pushing through. Trying to help my friends who are ttc, seems more are coming forward and asking these days :) It is nice to pass on any information and knowledge I have.... I have made myself a doctors appt for the 24th with the new doctor! A little scary bc of being with Dr Mathers for sooo long! But hopefully it will be a good thing. Only a little over 2 weeks til that appt. Then on the 30th is Jaxson's 2 yr check up!
That is all for now. Talk soon!! <3
Little update on Jaxson, he has 2 of his 4 molars, both the ones on the left side. Hopefully he will get the other 2 very soon! He is saying more words by the day and starting to put sentence's together now! Its so cool to listen to him. He has learned to pick up the dog now, so he does that if he wants her away from him. haha ummm... He LOVES his slide and balls that Auntie Jules got him for his birthday! We cant keep him off it (as it is now it is in the living room til we can afford a fence for outside). :)
Little update on me: not much to say as of the moment... Been doing well, not really sad or anything for a good week now! Woot! Wish I could sleep more than a few hours a night, that is starting to get to me a bit but I am pushing through. Trying to help my friends who are ttc, seems more are coming forward and asking these days :) It is nice to pass on any information and knowledge I have.... I have made myself a doctors appt for the 24th with the new doctor! A little scary bc of being with Dr Mathers for sooo long! But hopefully it will be a good thing. Only a little over 2 weeks til that appt. Then on the 30th is Jaxson's 2 yr check up!
That is all for now. Talk soon!! <3
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Jaxson's 2!!!!
Okay so nothing really new going on since my last post. Yesterday we spent the afternoon and evening at the park with Rod and Gen :) It was so good to see them!!! I feel like since we moved it is less and less, hopefully we can change that soon! :)
Today is my bug's birthday! EEkkkk he is 2 already, I remember when he was born like it was yesterday.. ugghh so cliche hehe... So we are going to the zoo today! YAY! :) Hopefully Jaxson is good today and has fun. We wanted something that he would really enjoy doing.. but he is already being a cranky pants this morning.. hmmpphhh oh well we will enjoy ourselves even if he is being a pain.
Umm.. i think that is it for the moment. I will be back later :)
Today is my bug's birthday! EEkkkk he is 2 already, I remember when he was born like it was yesterday.. ugghh so cliche hehe... So we are going to the zoo today! YAY! :) Hopefully Jaxson is good today and has fun. We wanted something that he would really enjoy doing.. but he is already being a cranky pants this morning.. hmmpphhh oh well we will enjoy ourselves even if he is being a pain.
Umm.. i think that is it for the moment. I will be back later :)
Thursday, May 3, 2012
A little bit of a rant!
Ugghhh I am having a horrible time with wanting foods I cannot have! :/ Dairy isnt really my friend and I just want to suck down a big glass of milk (this happens usually when my vitamins or calcium are getting a bit low)... And hot dogs! Oh hot dogs (i know they are gross but boy do I love them!) I cannot eat them for the life of me and I just want some nice and slightly cooked on a bun with chips on the side.... Can you tell its getting a bit warmer here, summer foods are lurking! I love summer! :)
Anyways, did shopping and got some amazing deals, I am a couponer, well still working at it but today I got loads of things which will last the month for $155 that should have been well over $400!!!! Woot!!!
Poor bug is having a heck of a time with his little teeth coming in. Thank goodness they are his last ones!
Well thats it for now..
Anyways, did shopping and got some amazing deals, I am a couponer, well still working at it but today I got loads of things which will last the month for $155 that should have been well over $400!!!! Woot!!!
Poor bug is having a heck of a time with his little teeth coming in. Thank goodness they are his last ones!
Well thats it for now..
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Baby names?!?
Alright so Tim and I could never come to a complete agreement when we had bean still on baby boy names. We like to be prepared for the future (always having a back up just in case he/she comes out looking like someone completely different). Since we are ttc we started talking about them again just for fun. Our girl name is set in stone, not going to change. Boys however now have a semi long short list.. I know contradiction.. haha
Anyways, here are our names: Phoenix, Garrison, Blaze, Axel, Troy, Everett, Sterling, Emyrson, and Jasper.. Tim loves Blaze, but I dont know how it sounds with Jaxson.. Middle name would be Matthew. Feel free to weigh in :)
Besides that, Jaxson has learned to say Fuck! Yup, my little precious 2yr old says "oh fuck" all the time!! Ugghhh hoping he will outgrow it fast! We are doing the ignore it thing and seeing where that gets us :)
Tim and I are doing well, just taking things day by day. Its nice to be able to connect like we always have even with all the craziness going on around us.
Mandee is back in FL for the week but should be home by Saturday night. Things are looking up with her and I too. I just hope she can get a sense of herself again. Maybe the long car ride home alone will help her out. Clear her mind a bit...
Eachday is a new day and I am feeling stronger and stronger as they pass (I probably wont be saying that in a few months but for now.. I am)
Jaxson's birthday is on Sunday :( I am so sad that he is 2 already! I dont know where the time has gone. Feels like just yesterday I had him, a tiny 6lb 10oz cuddly little baby! Oyyy... We are taking him to the zoo for his day, as long as there isnt any rain that is!
Anyway, that is all for now. Will write again soon :)
Anyways, here are our names: Phoenix, Garrison, Blaze, Axel, Troy, Everett, Sterling, Emyrson, and Jasper.. Tim loves Blaze, but I dont know how it sounds with Jaxson.. Middle name would be Matthew. Feel free to weigh in :)
Besides that, Jaxson has learned to say Fuck! Yup, my little precious 2yr old says "oh fuck" all the time!! Ugghhh hoping he will outgrow it fast! We are doing the ignore it thing and seeing where that gets us :)
Tim and I are doing well, just taking things day by day. Its nice to be able to connect like we always have even with all the craziness going on around us.
Mandee is back in FL for the week but should be home by Saturday night. Things are looking up with her and I too. I just hope she can get a sense of herself again. Maybe the long car ride home alone will help her out. Clear her mind a bit...
Eachday is a new day and I am feeling stronger and stronger as they pass (I probably wont be saying that in a few months but for now.. I am)
Jaxson's birthday is on Sunday :( I am so sad that he is 2 already! I dont know where the time has gone. Feels like just yesterday I had him, a tiny 6lb 10oz cuddly little baby! Oyyy... We are taking him to the zoo for his day, as long as there isnt any rain that is!
Anyway, that is all for now. Will write again soon :)
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sorry about the delay...
Hey there,
Sorry it has taken so long for an update.. Fl was well... alright, not going to put that all down here. The people who need to know what happened know about it.
Jax did spectacular flying! Definitly momma's boy in that aspect, I love to fly! So I am no longer fearful of taking him on a plane one bit. Hopefully the flight next year (or the year after) all the way to the UK will go just as well! :)
Since we got home we had Jaxsons birthday dinner (a week early) and that was nice, it was just my parents and us, everyone else couldnt make it but it turned out just fine. Jax and I made tie dye cupcakes and they were a total hit! YAY! :) My mom made meatballs which were delish to go with the spaghetti. Jaxson got new toy cars and a new special mickey cup and a tee shirt in fl so those were his gifts from us. Plus on his Birthday next weekend we are taking him to the zoo with friends and then the following week we are going to Rochester so that we can do the museum of play :) He is going to love it!!! I am so glad that we get to do all these things with him that my parents didn't ever get to do with us kids. I hope he realizes how much we care about him and how much we are trying to give him all that we possibly can.... I think my wish for him is to like to be with us and travel with us even into adulthood. I am just starting to get any kind of relationship with my parents and dont want him to have to fight for it once he is an adult and parent, i want it to always be there.
Then we got sick :( Tummy bug. Jaxson puked all over me and the couch yesterday!! EWWW!!! haha Then I got sick and we have both been puke bags.. haha he was better this morning but I am still sick... Hope tomorrow will be better.
Next thing on my mind is about the airport, they never checked for Jaxson's birth cert or Davids, how do they know who they are or that I am not trying to kidnap them?? It made me think hard that I need to do some more research and find out if there are people fighting for new laws about this. If so I am def getting involved. I dont want my child to ever be able to be taken out of state by flight or otherwise without me knowing. And when buying a ticket you can put any name you like down so there really isnt a lot of security about it one bit... If i can make a difference on this then I am going to do all I can...
My sister is on her way back to Fl now to get her car then will be back sometime in the week ahead.. I hope she drives safe, I cant imagine if something happened to her, even wih all the issues at hand between us lately. I love her and miss her more an more as the days go by that I dont get to see her smile. She always can brighten my day..
Hmmm.. Oh FINALLY got to meet my amazing beauty Jules (via webcam of course). She is just as I imagined her and i feel soo lucky to have her in my life, well not only mine but buggy's and Tim's as well. :) I suppose if we hadn't gone through the trageties that we did we might not be such amazing friends, well not just friends but best friends really (or at least on my end) I am lucky to have her and Layla in my life, helping me through and keeping me strong even on my weakest of days. Those two ladies probably haven't a clue just how important they are to me and my family. Thanks girlies!! xxx
Next.. TTC.. oh TTC... I am officially 10DPO and got a negative test yesterday... oyyy.... Thats all for that for the moment!
Headed to put my lil man to bed and take my homemade turn overs with strawberries and blackberries out of the oven.. yuummmyyy!! Now lets hope that we can eat them :) haha
Sorry it has taken so long for an update.. Fl was well... alright, not going to put that all down here. The people who need to know what happened know about it.
Jax did spectacular flying! Definitly momma's boy in that aspect, I love to fly! So I am no longer fearful of taking him on a plane one bit. Hopefully the flight next year (or the year after) all the way to the UK will go just as well! :)
Since we got home we had Jaxsons birthday dinner (a week early) and that was nice, it was just my parents and us, everyone else couldnt make it but it turned out just fine. Jax and I made tie dye cupcakes and they were a total hit! YAY! :) My mom made meatballs which were delish to go with the spaghetti. Jaxson got new toy cars and a new special mickey cup and a tee shirt in fl so those were his gifts from us. Plus on his Birthday next weekend we are taking him to the zoo with friends and then the following week we are going to Rochester so that we can do the museum of play :) He is going to love it!!! I am so glad that we get to do all these things with him that my parents didn't ever get to do with us kids. I hope he realizes how much we care about him and how much we are trying to give him all that we possibly can.... I think my wish for him is to like to be with us and travel with us even into adulthood. I am just starting to get any kind of relationship with my parents and dont want him to have to fight for it once he is an adult and parent, i want it to always be there.
Then we got sick :( Tummy bug. Jaxson puked all over me and the couch yesterday!! EWWW!!! haha Then I got sick and we have both been puke bags.. haha he was better this morning but I am still sick... Hope tomorrow will be better.
Next thing on my mind is about the airport, they never checked for Jaxson's birth cert or Davids, how do they know who they are or that I am not trying to kidnap them?? It made me think hard that I need to do some more research and find out if there are people fighting for new laws about this. If so I am def getting involved. I dont want my child to ever be able to be taken out of state by flight or otherwise without me knowing. And when buying a ticket you can put any name you like down so there really isnt a lot of security about it one bit... If i can make a difference on this then I am going to do all I can...
My sister is on her way back to Fl now to get her car then will be back sometime in the week ahead.. I hope she drives safe, I cant imagine if something happened to her, even wih all the issues at hand between us lately. I love her and miss her more an more as the days go by that I dont get to see her smile. She always can brighten my day..
Hmmm.. Oh FINALLY got to meet my amazing beauty Jules (via webcam of course). She is just as I imagined her and i feel soo lucky to have her in my life, well not only mine but buggy's and Tim's as well. :) I suppose if we hadn't gone through the trageties that we did we might not be such amazing friends, well not just friends but best friends really (or at least on my end) I am lucky to have her and Layla in my life, helping me through and keeping me strong even on my weakest of days. Those two ladies probably haven't a clue just how important they are to me and my family. Thanks girlies!! xxx
Next.. TTC.. oh TTC... I am officially 10DPO and got a negative test yesterday... oyyy.... Thats all for that for the moment!
Headed to put my lil man to bed and take my homemade turn overs with strawberries and blackberries out of the oven.. yuummmyyy!! Now lets hope that we can eat them :) haha
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Getting ready for our trip!
Sorry for the delay in posts, I promise after Fl things will be more regular :)
Anyways, that is all that has been going on, Jax and I's trip! I am getting more excited by the minute that passes. And excessively checking over our bags, I feel like I might forget something but don't know what bc I really have made 100 lists to be sure and everytime everything gets marked off.. I think that it will be something on the list for Tuesday morning. Please God don't let it be something like a beary or blankie!!! haha Jax won't sleep without them! It has been planned for so long but I just thought something would go wrong and stop us from going, I dont know why bc everything is great but I did. Anyways, I have this irrational fear all of a sudden of flying, I love flying! I would rather fly than take a train, bus, or even be in a car! so I have no idea what the heck is going on but my anxiety is threw the roof! I think maybe bc I am flying with bug and bubsy, both of which haven't flown before... hmm Hopefully it all goes smooth. I dont think I will update again til Next Sunday bc we get back Friday and are spending the day with my momma bc it will be the first time she has seen Mandee in 3 months then Saturday we are having a Birthday dinner for buggy :)
Alright, TTC update: We dtd on O day which was on Friday. I had sooo much O pains this time and my cervix was super sensitive, hmm weird! So hoping a big healthy egg was released and hubs swimmers made it up there to make us a little Rainbow! Not testing til after Jaxson's birthday the 6th (or so I say) Might test the 4th if I am feeling impatient (the day AF is due) Heres to hoping!!!!!! <3
Much love
Heather
Anyways, that is all that has been going on, Jax and I's trip! I am getting more excited by the minute that passes. And excessively checking over our bags, I feel like I might forget something but don't know what bc I really have made 100 lists to be sure and everytime everything gets marked off.. I think that it will be something on the list for Tuesday morning. Please God don't let it be something like a beary or blankie!!! haha Jax won't sleep without them! It has been planned for so long but I just thought something would go wrong and stop us from going, I dont know why bc everything is great but I did. Anyways, I have this irrational fear all of a sudden of flying, I love flying! I would rather fly than take a train, bus, or even be in a car! so I have no idea what the heck is going on but my anxiety is threw the roof! I think maybe bc I am flying with bug and bubsy, both of which haven't flown before... hmm Hopefully it all goes smooth. I dont think I will update again til Next Sunday bc we get back Friday and are spending the day with my momma bc it will be the first time she has seen Mandee in 3 months then Saturday we are having a Birthday dinner for buggy :)
Alright, TTC update: We dtd on O day which was on Friday. I had sooo much O pains this time and my cervix was super sensitive, hmm weird! So hoping a big healthy egg was released and hubs swimmers made it up there to make us a little Rainbow! Not testing til after Jaxson's birthday the 6th (or so I say) Might test the 4th if I am feeling impatient (the day AF is due) Heres to hoping!!!!!! <3
Much love
Heather
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
little update.
The last few days have been boring... Just getting things done to go to FL. My sissa is much better now (she had a little issue with a kidney stone.) Thank goodness... Oh and we are staying at a beach condo while we are in FL instead of a hotel! Wahhhooooo!!!! :) Right near the ocean, how much more relaxing could that be? Now lets pray for no rain!
As for me, still trying to get a positive OPK... Nothing yet, but on my reg cycle calender I shouldnt have it til Friday, lets hope that is how it happens bc I dont want to miss it. This is my last month with OPK's so we shall see. I figured out today that all of the dates that are significant in pregnancy will be big dates in our lives so heres to hoping.I am ready for this. Ready to be pregnant and have another healthy little baby!
Tim and I had a nice talk about how much it means to each of us bc i was feeling like it was more important to me than it was to him lately, but that isnt the case at all (thank goodness) He is just nervous bc of what we have been through, not just with losing bean but losing all the others too.. i can see his fear when we talk about it but he is ready to have another little person running around, actually he says he cant wait to have a friend for jaxson :)
Hmmm.. Thats about it for now..
As for me, still trying to get a positive OPK... Nothing yet, but on my reg cycle calender I shouldnt have it til Friday, lets hope that is how it happens bc I dont want to miss it. This is my last month with OPK's so we shall see. I figured out today that all of the dates that are significant in pregnancy will be big dates in our lives so heres to hoping.I am ready for this. Ready to be pregnant and have another healthy little baby!
Tim and I had a nice talk about how much it means to each of us bc i was feeling like it was more important to me than it was to him lately, but that isnt the case at all (thank goodness) He is just nervous bc of what we have been through, not just with losing bean but losing all the others too.. i can see his fear when we talk about it but he is ready to have another little person running around, actually he says he cant wait to have a friend for jaxson :)
Hmmm.. Thats about it for now..
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Happy Saturday...
Hmmm... Yesterday wasnt too exciting for the most part, got my nails filled and picked up a few more things we needed for FL. Trying to figure out if we have everything packed. I know its crazy to pack a week and a half in advance but if I dont I always forget something. This way I can go through it and my list half a dozen times before we leave. :)
Got a call from my sissa *here comes the only exciting thing of my day* She is coming home!!!! She opted out of program early so that she could come home and honestly I could not have been happier when she said that! I was sad for her, I knew how much she liked her roommates and friends but she sounded sad and tired everytime I talked to her. At least at home she wont be so stressed.
We are still all going to FL, her, bubsy, bug, and myself will fly down for the 4 days just as planned :) Only difference is that we wont be surprising mom with Mandee coming home. Oh well, it is worth it for her to move home even for a bit. I am hoping this will be our month so that she will stay a bit long as I would be due just around the time she wants to head back south ;) Wishful thinking I guess. I just hate being away from her.
Today's agenda, not really anything in particular.. Just playing with Jaxson.. Maybe the park this afternoon, we will have to see :)
Got a call from my sissa *here comes the only exciting thing of my day* She is coming home!!!! She opted out of program early so that she could come home and honestly I could not have been happier when she said that! I was sad for her, I knew how much she liked her roommates and friends but she sounded sad and tired everytime I talked to her. At least at home she wont be so stressed.
We are still all going to FL, her, bubsy, bug, and myself will fly down for the 4 days just as planned :) Only difference is that we wont be surprising mom with Mandee coming home. Oh well, it is worth it for her to move home even for a bit. I am hoping this will be our month so that she will stay a bit long as I would be due just around the time she wants to head back south ;) Wishful thinking I guess. I just hate being away from her.
Today's agenda, not really anything in particular.. Just playing with Jaxson.. Maybe the park this afternoon, we will have to see :)
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Mixed emotions....
Today is my dad's birthday but it is also a day that this world lost an amazing young lady 4yrs ago to a drunk driver who wasnt even a citizen of the US. It was so unfair and such a tragic event in my family's life. My sister, Sam, Renee, and myself were like sisters. I never thought that she would be taken away so young. I know she is looking down on us and with us all the time but sometimes that doesnt seem as though it is enough.
Today was a decent day overall, spent it with my boys :) I can't imagine a day without either of them. They mean everything to me. I cannot imagine the pain and suffering that Tracy, oompa, and Bill must be going through..I know from a daughter's point of view it is the absolute hardest thing to go through, losing your mother but losing your daughter must be that much harder, you arent supposed to lose your child before you go. I feel awful that anyone would have to go through that. I know having my mmc has been a rough journey but i cant imagine having my baby for 14yrs and then just like that they are gone.
I have been prepping for my trip to FL and am getting so so excited that it is so close. I can almost feel the sand between my toes and the wind through my hair as we ride the rides :) Jax is going to have soo soo much fun.
Anyway I am making some cinnybuns for hubby and I then watching a little tv together (hoping to dtd. :D) We shall see.. I know I am already getting light lines on OPK's so should get darker and darker, got mixed answers on when i should be Oing from my apps.. so a little unsure, I started my AF early so I think that is why they are all messed up but the OPKs should let me know. Probably will happen somewhere around Wednesday next week I think.. maybe.. hahah
Today was a decent day overall, spent it with my boys :) I can't imagine a day without either of them. They mean everything to me. I cannot imagine the pain and suffering that Tracy, oompa, and Bill must be going through..I know from a daughter's point of view it is the absolute hardest thing to go through, losing your mother but losing your daughter must be that much harder, you arent supposed to lose your child before you go. I feel awful that anyone would have to go through that. I know having my mmc has been a rough journey but i cant imagine having my baby for 14yrs and then just like that they are gone.
I have been prepping for my trip to FL and am getting so so excited that it is so close. I can almost feel the sand between my toes and the wind through my hair as we ride the rides :) Jax is going to have soo soo much fun.
Anyway I am making some cinnybuns for hubby and I then watching a little tv together (hoping to dtd. :D) We shall see.. I know I am already getting light lines on OPK's so should get darker and darker, got mixed answers on when i should be Oing from my apps.. so a little unsure, I started my AF early so I think that is why they are all messed up but the OPKs should let me know. Probably will happen somewhere around Wednesday next week I think.. maybe.. hahah
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Every day is a new day!
So woke up feeling alright this morning. I am not going to say great or new or anything of the sorts but alright. Better than yesterday but still not my best.
Had a long talk with my hubby yesterday and we both really are feeling like this isnt the end for us. We are meant to complete our family with another little one and whenever that little one decides they are ready to be part of our family then they are and we will be exstatic. This is indeed our last month of OPKs and planning when to dtd and all of that.
On another note, I got to talk to my bestie a lot yesterday, he always has the right words and I really couldnt get through without him being part of my life. Him and Tim don't really see eye to eye bc of past things but they both see that eachother have the best interest at heart and that is me and Jaxson always. I also have my two amazing ladies, Jules and Layla, that have assured me that my depression is okay and that they wont be walking out bc I am crazy any time in the near future, phew! They have become like sister's to me and I know that I never would have made it through losing bean without them there. Not that I am happy they have lost thier precious little ones either, but I do believe that our Angels have pushed us together for reasons that we might not even know yet. :) They are some of the most amazing women I know and they live thousands of miles away.
Of course I cannot leave out my sissa. I honestly dont know what to say about her, she is my best friend in the entire world and the reason I am so passionate about Jax Ryan having a sibling. I want him to have what we do with someone. Someone who is always on your side and having your back even when the rest of the world doesnt understand. I am so fortunate to have her and bubsy. When we were younger we didnt get along at all, we honestly couldnt stand one another but now that we are older we see how important and special our bond is. Also how much we have been through that we probably wouldnt have gotten through without one another there to root us on. She is in FL doing amazing things at Walt Disney World and I cannot wait for the next 13 days to fly by to get to see her!
Anyways. Off to play cars with bug. Hoping to keep a good day going and talk to you soon.
Had a long talk with my hubby yesterday and we both really are feeling like this isnt the end for us. We are meant to complete our family with another little one and whenever that little one decides they are ready to be part of our family then they are and we will be exstatic. This is indeed our last month of OPKs and planning when to dtd and all of that.
On another note, I got to talk to my bestie a lot yesterday, he always has the right words and I really couldnt get through without him being part of my life. Him and Tim don't really see eye to eye bc of past things but they both see that eachother have the best interest at heart and that is me and Jaxson always. I also have my two amazing ladies, Jules and Layla, that have assured me that my depression is okay and that they wont be walking out bc I am crazy any time in the near future, phew! They have become like sister's to me and I know that I never would have made it through losing bean without them there. Not that I am happy they have lost thier precious little ones either, but I do believe that our Angels have pushed us together for reasons that we might not even know yet. :) They are some of the most amazing women I know and they live thousands of miles away.
Of course I cannot leave out my sissa. I honestly dont know what to say about her, she is my best friend in the entire world and the reason I am so passionate about Jax Ryan having a sibling. I want him to have what we do with someone. Someone who is always on your side and having your back even when the rest of the world doesnt understand. I am so fortunate to have her and bubsy. When we were younger we didnt get along at all, we honestly couldnt stand one another but now that we are older we see how important and special our bond is. Also how much we have been through that we probably wouldnt have gotten through without one another there to root us on. She is in FL doing amazing things at Walt Disney World and I cannot wait for the next 13 days to fly by to get to see her!
Anyways. Off to play cars with bug. Hoping to keep a good day going and talk to you soon.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Trying alone...
Woke up today and came to the realization that I feel like I am going through all of this completely alone...
I know my husband isnt an "emotional being" but I feel like none of this has hit him like it has me. Like he feels like it happened so move on :( I know it bothers him in some fashion but when I talk about ttc or anything he just says ok or if that is what you want... well i want you to want it too!! Why can't you want it as bad as I do or at least pretend you do. I know you want it but to what extent? Ugghhh...
I just want Jaxson to be a sibling..I want him to have that sense of security in someone who will be there with him all his life. I couldnt have gotten through without mine and I want that for him. I am not asking to have 20 babies or be one of those women who get pregnant once a year..I just want 1 more and I will be done. I wont try for more or ask for more.. I will be happy and watch them grow and learn. I will teach them and learn with them.I will keep them safe and happy. I promise... Just who ever is in control of this please please let me just be a mommy to a sibling for my little bug, he deserves nothing more.
I pray every night to a God I dont know is there, to someone who seems to have never heard my prayers or at least never tried to make good on them. I ask for health and happiness for the ones I love. I ask for him to help the people that are feeling so low that they don't know they can handle being alive anymore, bc i have been that person. I have stooped so low that I didnt think I could get up again ever. But I did and not because someone helped me or stood by me, but because I found some strength in myself that I didnt know I had. I did it all my myself. I held on because I figured things couldnt get any worse right? Things have to look up from here.. I pray that one day I can be happy, the real kind of happy not the kind where you put a smile on and laugh so that no one knows the unbearable pain that is inside of you. I pray that my little man will find an inner peace at a young age so that he never ever has to feel how I do and that this horrible depression that I have been gifted my my mom and her mom and her dad and probably his dad will not find Jax Ryan. That he will live in a state of happiness that his momma couldn't ever seem to find. And finally I pray that my parents will see what they have, it might not be much but they have 3 amazing children and 1 brilliant grandchild that are worth living for, that my dad will one day put the bottle down and stop smoking so that he can live for the things that are here and not the things of the past....
I know my husband isnt an "emotional being" but I feel like none of this has hit him like it has me. Like he feels like it happened so move on :( I know it bothers him in some fashion but when I talk about ttc or anything he just says ok or if that is what you want... well i want you to want it too!! Why can't you want it as bad as I do or at least pretend you do. I know you want it but to what extent? Ugghhh...
I just want Jaxson to be a sibling..I want him to have that sense of security in someone who will be there with him all his life. I couldnt have gotten through without mine and I want that for him. I am not asking to have 20 babies or be one of those women who get pregnant once a year..I just want 1 more and I will be done. I wont try for more or ask for more.. I will be happy and watch them grow and learn. I will teach them and learn with them.I will keep them safe and happy. I promise... Just who ever is in control of this please please let me just be a mommy to a sibling for my little bug, he deserves nothing more.
I pray every night to a God I dont know is there, to someone who seems to have never heard my prayers or at least never tried to make good on them. I ask for health and happiness for the ones I love. I ask for him to help the people that are feeling so low that they don't know they can handle being alive anymore, bc i have been that person. I have stooped so low that I didnt think I could get up again ever. But I did and not because someone helped me or stood by me, but because I found some strength in myself that I didnt know I had. I did it all my myself. I held on because I figured things couldnt get any worse right? Things have to look up from here.. I pray that one day I can be happy, the real kind of happy not the kind where you put a smile on and laugh so that no one knows the unbearable pain that is inside of you. I pray that my little man will find an inner peace at a young age so that he never ever has to feel how I do and that this horrible depression that I have been gifted my my mom and her mom and her dad and probably his dad will not find Jax Ryan. That he will live in a state of happiness that his momma couldn't ever seem to find. And finally I pray that my parents will see what they have, it might not be much but they have 3 amazing children and 1 brilliant grandchild that are worth living for, that my dad will one day put the bottle down and stop smoking so that he can live for the things that are here and not the things of the past....
Sunday, April 8, 2012
My big decision....
Has come to a very important decision after breaking down on my mom today...I no longer will be doing anything that has to do with TTC.. We will NTNP but no tracking, planning, symptom spotting, or hoping..
Either it will happen or it wont and at this point I just cant take the heartache and abuse to my soul that keeps happening. Maybe Jaxson is our only little miracle that we are meant to have... Maybe he was an oops by whomever controls life and death... Maybe they made a happy amazing mistake and let me have him. :) And I def could not be more blessed that it happened.
My life has been so hard, why did I expect anything less by trying to have a family? Why would I think that the drs lied to me??? They know best right :/
Either it will happen or it wont and at this point I just cant take the heartache and abuse to my soul that keeps happening. Maybe Jaxson is our only little miracle that we are meant to have... Maybe he was an oops by whomever controls life and death... Maybe they made a happy amazing mistake and let me have him. :) And I def could not be more blessed that it happened.
My life has been so hard, why did I expect anything less by trying to have a family? Why would I think that the drs lied to me??? They know best right :/
Easter Morning
Firstly, Happy Easter anyone who is reading!!! We don't get to actually celebrate with Jaxson til this afternoon because Tim is working til 1pm. My parents are coming over to help him dye eggs and such this morning :) Thank goodness bc today is not my best day.
So one of my very best friends, Jules had her mc the same time as me so we have become extra close, has gotten her BFP. And as I shed a tear of joy for her I found myself shedding one of sorrow for myself. Asking why do I even try, why do I do this to myself, should I just give up hope on another baby in our family? I am feeling like my body does nothing but fail me. Why would I be blessed with a pregnancy for it to be ripped away weeks later then just days later? It seems like someone is just out to get me. Do they not know what I have been through in the past 22 years? Did they not get the memo that my life has been so far from perfect that all I want and have ever wanted and prayed and asked for is to have a family that I could shield from all that imperfection and agony.
As I sit here crying I just feel like giving up. I used to have such a strong faith in God and his power to heal and to not give you more than you can handle but the day that my momma June passed away I decided it was a crock of shit. Then he took my granny 5yrs later... And now he has taken my children.. MY babies... Peices of MY heart and soul, body and mind. Who gave him the right? Who said that this could be done to someone so undeserving. Don't get me wrong I am far from perfect. I am someone who will admit my mistakes, shortcomings and faults but I didnt ask for this, want this or even need this. How could he! How could he leave me sitting here watching my amazing little guy feeling so lost and so empty?
I am and always have been a "it happens for a reason" kind of girl, its the only way to explain away my pain but today I feel like there is no reason. Like I am stuck in a never ending game of cat and mouse.. Like everytime I have a peice of happiness 10 peices of sadness are to follow just to keep me in check I guess..
Anyways...Headed to get eggs cooked, hoping for a shower, and to put on my "beautiful" smile everyone says I have so that today can be a great day for Jaxson and the family. Inside I might be torn apart but outside today will be perfect for everyone!
So one of my very best friends, Jules had her mc the same time as me so we have become extra close, has gotten her BFP. And as I shed a tear of joy for her I found myself shedding one of sorrow for myself. Asking why do I even try, why do I do this to myself, should I just give up hope on another baby in our family? I am feeling like my body does nothing but fail me. Why would I be blessed with a pregnancy for it to be ripped away weeks later then just days later? It seems like someone is just out to get me. Do they not know what I have been through in the past 22 years? Did they not get the memo that my life has been so far from perfect that all I want and have ever wanted and prayed and asked for is to have a family that I could shield from all that imperfection and agony.
As I sit here crying I just feel like giving up. I used to have such a strong faith in God and his power to heal and to not give you more than you can handle but the day that my momma June passed away I decided it was a crock of shit. Then he took my granny 5yrs later... And now he has taken my children.. MY babies... Peices of MY heart and soul, body and mind. Who gave him the right? Who said that this could be done to someone so undeserving. Don't get me wrong I am far from perfect. I am someone who will admit my mistakes, shortcomings and faults but I didnt ask for this, want this or even need this. How could he! How could he leave me sitting here watching my amazing little guy feeling so lost and so empty?
I am and always have been a "it happens for a reason" kind of girl, its the only way to explain away my pain but today I feel like there is no reason. Like I am stuck in a never ending game of cat and mouse.. Like everytime I have a peice of happiness 10 peices of sadness are to follow just to keep me in check I guess..
Anyways...Headed to get eggs cooked, hoping for a shower, and to put on my "beautiful" smile everyone says I have so that today can be a great day for Jaxson and the family. Inside I might be torn apart but outside today will be perfect for everyone!
Saturday, April 7, 2012
The rest of the day :)
So we went to the playground this afternoon and Jaxson has all of a sudden developed a fear of heights so wont go down the slide by himself, which he has done since he could sit up on his own... It is so strange how suddenly things in his little world change from day to day. I cannot wait to have him sharing and teaching all of his new findings and fears with a sibling, he deserves it.
Speaking of siblings I am going to see my sissa in 16 days (yes I have a countdown on my phone). She is working for Disney in FL and I cannot wait to get down there an hug her. We haven't ever been seperated this long in our lives. Never for more than a week and we will be just shy of 3 months when I see her! Then another 3 til she comes home. This has been a test especially with her gone for my mc. She was getting ready to leave when we found out and of course I would never keep her home wondering and waiting to see what happened, so the day that she planned to leave came around and of course I hugged her, closed the door behind her and proceeded to cry for 3 hours! I miss her so much, Thank God that we talk just about daily at least for a min to say we love eachother and try to video chat once a week. I do have another amazing sibling, my brother I call him Bubsy. He is younger than me(Sissa is too) but he has alot of wisdom in him for his age. I tried to shield him from our not so perfect home life but no matter how much I try I cant keep him from everything, the older he got the more he understood. I am so thankful that I have them. I definitely don't think I would have survived all of the things that have happened in my life without them by my side. (I am sure you will get all of my story in peices, I find it easier to explain as it pertains to information than try to write it all out at once.)
Anyways, after we got home we all kind of chilled for a little bit playing Jaxsons favorite, cars and monster trucks of course! Then made some hamburgers :) Jaxson learned to say Cook last week. Some day I should make a list of all of his words he can say and when he started saying them clearly.. hmm.. Sorry off track, so we made dinner then had dance time (7:30pm every night at the Anderson's is dance night). So dancing was going good and I was stripping him down so just before the end of "dance" we could get jammies on and do the bed time song and rock before I put him down. I got his onsie off and he proceeds to rip off his diaper, not just take it off like a normal child but grab it from the crotch pull it upwards and rip it off like a stripper does thier pants! Tim and I both died laughing for about 2 min literally turning blue in the face! It was sooo funny. One of those moments you wish you could have seen coming to be able to video tape it for the future kind of moments. Ahh only my boy.. haha So we let him dance nudy for the last 15 min then fought him to get his diaper and jam's on. Finally got him into bed and for the first time in his life he put his arms up and said "peeass ma peaass" He wanted me to cuddle (which is agianst the rules bc he had an attachment problem when he was younger and wouldnt let us leave him when he slept) So I kissed him on his cheek then his other one then his forehead and of course his little lips, gave him his paci (I know I know he shouldn't have it but he is severely attached and doesnt get it in the daytime at all) and say "I love you bug and I will see you in the morning) as I do every night, he says"got it" in this sad little whine and turns over to his side and all you hear is a little wimper. Uggghhh broke my heart in half, I said I love you one more time and closed his door and stood there and though "wow, when did my baby get so big? When did he get old enough to really tell me what he is feeling and wanting from me? I cannot believe he will be 2 in just a few short weeks."
Now I am sat here in tears thinking about how much I feel like I missed over the last two years... I have been here for it all, I stay at home with him all day and rarely ever do we let anyone watch him but I still feel like I have missed it, so much of it... For those people who don't know, I suffer from very bad depression. I was diagnosed at a young age and have a long family history of it. After trying out tons of med that just make me feel like I am on the outside looking in I found one that helps but I only take it on a need to take to balance me basis. I have learned how to control it most of the time but there are times where I feel like I could just burst... I have good days and bad days and I am certainly not afraid to admit to it. I know what I have and I know that it is out of my control sometimes and that I didnt give myself this but I can do something to help myself.
Anyway, sorry again for the long posts.. maybe someday I wont have to talk your ear off to get my point across, but right now its my thearapy, so bear with me if you will :)
Speaking of siblings I am going to see my sissa in 16 days (yes I have a countdown on my phone). She is working for Disney in FL and I cannot wait to get down there an hug her. We haven't ever been seperated this long in our lives. Never for more than a week and we will be just shy of 3 months when I see her! Then another 3 til she comes home. This has been a test especially with her gone for my mc. She was getting ready to leave when we found out and of course I would never keep her home wondering and waiting to see what happened, so the day that she planned to leave came around and of course I hugged her, closed the door behind her and proceeded to cry for 3 hours! I miss her so much, Thank God that we talk just about daily at least for a min to say we love eachother and try to video chat once a week. I do have another amazing sibling, my brother I call him Bubsy. He is younger than me(Sissa is too) but he has alot of wisdom in him for his age. I tried to shield him from our not so perfect home life but no matter how much I try I cant keep him from everything, the older he got the more he understood. I am so thankful that I have them. I definitely don't think I would have survived all of the things that have happened in my life without them by my side. (I am sure you will get all of my story in peices, I find it easier to explain as it pertains to information than try to write it all out at once.)
Anyways, after we got home we all kind of chilled for a little bit playing Jaxsons favorite, cars and monster trucks of course! Then made some hamburgers :) Jaxson learned to say Cook last week. Some day I should make a list of all of his words he can say and when he started saying them clearly.. hmm.. Sorry off track, so we made dinner then had dance time (7:30pm every night at the Anderson's is dance night). So dancing was going good and I was stripping him down so just before the end of "dance" we could get jammies on and do the bed time song and rock before I put him down. I got his onsie off and he proceeds to rip off his diaper, not just take it off like a normal child but grab it from the crotch pull it upwards and rip it off like a stripper does thier pants! Tim and I both died laughing for about 2 min literally turning blue in the face! It was sooo funny. One of those moments you wish you could have seen coming to be able to video tape it for the future kind of moments. Ahh only my boy.. haha So we let him dance nudy for the last 15 min then fought him to get his diaper and jam's on. Finally got him into bed and for the first time in his life he put his arms up and said "peeass ma peaass" He wanted me to cuddle (which is agianst the rules bc he had an attachment problem when he was younger and wouldnt let us leave him when he slept) So I kissed him on his cheek then his other one then his forehead and of course his little lips, gave him his paci (I know I know he shouldn't have it but he is severely attached and doesnt get it in the daytime at all) and say "I love you bug and I will see you in the morning) as I do every night, he says"got it" in this sad little whine and turns over to his side and all you hear is a little wimper. Uggghhh broke my heart in half, I said I love you one more time and closed his door and stood there and though "wow, when did my baby get so big? When did he get old enough to really tell me what he is feeling and wanting from me? I cannot believe he will be 2 in just a few short weeks."
Now I am sat here in tears thinking about how much I feel like I missed over the last two years... I have been here for it all, I stay at home with him all day and rarely ever do we let anyone watch him but I still feel like I have missed it, so much of it... For those people who don't know, I suffer from very bad depression. I was diagnosed at a young age and have a long family history of it. After trying out tons of med that just make me feel like I am on the outside looking in I found one that helps but I only take it on a need to take to balance me basis. I have learned how to control it most of the time but there are times where I feel like I could just burst... I have good days and bad days and I am certainly not afraid to admit to it. I know what I have and I know that it is out of my control sometimes and that I didnt give myself this but I can do something to help myself.
Anyway, sorry again for the long posts.. maybe someday I wont have to talk your ear off to get my point across, but right now its my thearapy, so bear with me if you will :)
Seeing the BFP's
So I wake up this morning, late because Jaxson slept in :) YAY! And whats the first thing I see on FB more BFP's! I feel sooo soo left out, I should be further along than any of my friends and now I am left in the outfield alone again. This happened when trying for Jaxson too. I just am feeling a wee bit sorry for myself, hoping to get out in the fresh air today as long as it warms up we will bring Jax to the park. I guess I will write more tonight, I just had to put out there how frustrated I am about this.
Friday, April 6, 2012
So I am new here, this will be my first attempt at a blog or journal or anything.. I am not sure i really know what I am doing but hoping that after recent events in my life this will help me to heal. I suppose I should start with my story. Bear with me this might be a bit lengthly but I am trying to give you the shortened version :)
I will start with meeting my hubby, I suppose that is the real start to my life, before that is all a big mess that I am sure no one in their right mind would want to hear about.
So about 10 years ago I met my amazing husband (I was about 12 at the time and did not know he would one day be my husband). He was a friend of my best friends boyfriend, confusing I know. Anyways, we talked online and over the phone here and there but it wasnt until that best friend started to date him that we became very good friends, he was someone I could look to that would not judge me or the choices I was making. Well fast forward a year and that best friend did some awful thing which drew us even closer together, I broke up with the guy I was seeing and Tim had broken up with Nikki (the best friend) and we looked to eachother for comfort. I was 15 and now was beginning to see that I very well could spend my life with the man on the other end of the computer (we had video chatted, mailed letters, and talked on the phone). So we decided he would come to NY for what started as a visit and he never left. This was November of 2005, 3 years later we were married (August of 2008)...
We had talked about children but he said he didnt really know if he wanted any, I always knew I did so was hoping one day he would change his mind. And that day came when we had an accident and thought we might be pregnant Nov (2008), we weren't but it made us both see we were ready and wanted it so bad, so we officially set a date to start trying (Feb 2009) til then we would see what happened and go from there. Nothing happened so I started joining websites and reading up on ttc and sure enough what the doctors had told me all along was becoming a reality to me, I might not ever become a mother....I have a problem with cysts and a family history of all kinds of problems that seem to be inevitable. I was heartbroken that this wasn't working. Why can't I be a lucky one who just gets pregnant the first go at it??I got a few BFP's in the mean time but all resulted in losses (two that were chemical and two that were a little further but not much) Well, our dreams came true after a trip to see Tim's parents in August of 2009 I got a BFP (again)! This time felt different, felt right, they kept getting stronger and stronger. I was so excited I told everyone I knew.
May 6,2010 we welcomed our precious baby boy Jaxson Ryan Lee into the world at 3:42pm and he was 6lbs 10oz and 19 1/2in long. He was perfect and best of all ours.
Not even a week later we were talking about when to try for another, we were so excited about Jaxson though we wanted to enjoy him for a while and decided his second birthday would be our date to begin the ttc process again. I got the mirena when Jax was just 8weeks old. I figured this way if we wanted to start earlier or later we could and it wouldnt be a problem :)
So the next year went by and things were slowly feeling weird for me... I decided in October 2011 that I should get my mirena removed after researching my symptoms and finding many many other women were having the same thing. The doctor didnt warn me about a withdrawal bleed but I had one and thought I was losing my insides. Then when it was gone we decided to try right away for another little addition, we got pregnant in Nov and found out in Dec on the 12th, I only told a couple people bc I had an amazing plan to tell on Christmas (figuring that any losses i had were so early that would be safe for me). So Christmas rolls around and Jax wore a shirt that said "I've got a secret" on the front and "I am going to be a big brother" on the back!! Everyone was so excited. I planned a drs appt for after the holidays and went in on Jan 4th for a confirmation and the test came back strong and immediately. We set up an appt for January 18th because my dr didnt see you til you were at least 6-8 weeks which by my dates I was 8+5 weeks on the 18th but because of the Mirena being removed they couldn't say for sure. At my appt on the 18th they did bloodwork and all the checking and a pap bc I hadn't had one since July and set up an ultrasound for dating on the 24th of January. So we counted down the days to see our precious bean and waited so impatiently and the day finally came!!!
January 24th, the day we found out our little bean didn't have a heartbeat, she (gut instinct) had passed away at 9ish weeks and I was 9+4. So just days before my precious angel had left us. The sonographer was amazing as she had just gone through the same thing not too long before and she was pregnant with her first when I was with Jax. She hugged me and cried with me... I couldn't believe it. I went to the office and saw a midwife, she said I could go in for surgery or wait it out. I like to believe I could trust my body so I decided to wait it out. On February 7th 2012 I delivered a very tiny but very noticable little bean at about 5pm.. It was and always will be my bean's birthday. As soon as my levels were 0 which wasn't long after losing bean we were told it was okay to ttc again.
We have been trying since then and this week were blessed with a BFP on Tuesday at just 9dpo. Sadly on Thursday we started getting BFN's and Friday started my AF so we are sure that again God has taken our baby from us too early. I should be 20w with bean right now, today.. but instead I am sitting here writing about how much I miss her and wanted her. And how we are back to square 1 again... Someday I will be a mommy of 2 I just know and hope anyways..
Sorry so long just wanted my whole story so from here out I can just write what I am feeling and how we are all doing <3
I will start with meeting my hubby, I suppose that is the real start to my life, before that is all a big mess that I am sure no one in their right mind would want to hear about.
So about 10 years ago I met my amazing husband (I was about 12 at the time and did not know he would one day be my husband). He was a friend of my best friends boyfriend, confusing I know. Anyways, we talked online and over the phone here and there but it wasnt until that best friend started to date him that we became very good friends, he was someone I could look to that would not judge me or the choices I was making. Well fast forward a year and that best friend did some awful thing which drew us even closer together, I broke up with the guy I was seeing and Tim had broken up with Nikki (the best friend) and we looked to eachother for comfort. I was 15 and now was beginning to see that I very well could spend my life with the man on the other end of the computer (we had video chatted, mailed letters, and talked on the phone). So we decided he would come to NY for what started as a visit and he never left. This was November of 2005, 3 years later we were married (August of 2008)...
We had talked about children but he said he didnt really know if he wanted any, I always knew I did so was hoping one day he would change his mind. And that day came when we had an accident and thought we might be pregnant Nov (2008), we weren't but it made us both see we were ready and wanted it so bad, so we officially set a date to start trying (Feb 2009) til then we would see what happened and go from there. Nothing happened so I started joining websites and reading up on ttc and sure enough what the doctors had told me all along was becoming a reality to me, I might not ever become a mother....I have a problem with cysts and a family history of all kinds of problems that seem to be inevitable. I was heartbroken that this wasn't working. Why can't I be a lucky one who just gets pregnant the first go at it??I got a few BFP's in the mean time but all resulted in losses (two that were chemical and two that were a little further but not much) Well, our dreams came true after a trip to see Tim's parents in August of 2009 I got a BFP (again)! This time felt different, felt right, they kept getting stronger and stronger. I was so excited I told everyone I knew.
May 6,2010 we welcomed our precious baby boy Jaxson Ryan Lee into the world at 3:42pm and he was 6lbs 10oz and 19 1/2in long. He was perfect and best of all ours.
Not even a week later we were talking about when to try for another, we were so excited about Jaxson though we wanted to enjoy him for a while and decided his second birthday would be our date to begin the ttc process again. I got the mirena when Jax was just 8weeks old. I figured this way if we wanted to start earlier or later we could and it wouldnt be a problem :)
So the next year went by and things were slowly feeling weird for me... I decided in October 2011 that I should get my mirena removed after researching my symptoms and finding many many other women were having the same thing. The doctor didnt warn me about a withdrawal bleed but I had one and thought I was losing my insides. Then when it was gone we decided to try right away for another little addition, we got pregnant in Nov and found out in Dec on the 12th, I only told a couple people bc I had an amazing plan to tell on Christmas (figuring that any losses i had were so early that would be safe for me). So Christmas rolls around and Jax wore a shirt that said "I've got a secret" on the front and "I am going to be a big brother" on the back!! Everyone was so excited. I planned a drs appt for after the holidays and went in on Jan 4th for a confirmation and the test came back strong and immediately. We set up an appt for January 18th because my dr didnt see you til you were at least 6-8 weeks which by my dates I was 8+5 weeks on the 18th but because of the Mirena being removed they couldn't say for sure. At my appt on the 18th they did bloodwork and all the checking and a pap bc I hadn't had one since July and set up an ultrasound for dating on the 24th of January. So we counted down the days to see our precious bean and waited so impatiently and the day finally came!!!
January 24th, the day we found out our little bean didn't have a heartbeat, she (gut instinct) had passed away at 9ish weeks and I was 9+4. So just days before my precious angel had left us. The sonographer was amazing as she had just gone through the same thing not too long before and she was pregnant with her first when I was with Jax. She hugged me and cried with me... I couldn't believe it. I went to the office and saw a midwife, she said I could go in for surgery or wait it out. I like to believe I could trust my body so I decided to wait it out. On February 7th 2012 I delivered a very tiny but very noticable little bean at about 5pm.. It was and always will be my bean's birthday. As soon as my levels were 0 which wasn't long after losing bean we were told it was okay to ttc again.
We have been trying since then and this week were blessed with a BFP on Tuesday at just 9dpo. Sadly on Thursday we started getting BFN's and Friday started my AF so we are sure that again God has taken our baby from us too early. I should be 20w with bean right now, today.. but instead I am sitting here writing about how much I miss her and wanted her. And how we are back to square 1 again... Someday I will be a mommy of 2 I just know and hope anyways..
Sorry so long just wanted my whole story so from here out I can just write what I am feeling and how we are all doing <3
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